So for the entire week, I’ve had today lined up as a complete chill day. I was going to shut off from the world, play some videogames and recharge ready for work tomorrow.
And that’s kinda how it went. Finally got started on Alien Isolation, which should be scaring the crap out of me. That’s the impression I’ve gotten from seeing other people playing it. The game does a cracking job of building tension and there’s a few jump scares I’ve run into so far, but it just doesn’t seem to be getting me “off” like these sorts of games are supposed to.
But that brings me around to what’s going on with me in general I suppose. I’ve been finding it difficult to feel enthused about anything recently. I’m just going through the motions, doing the things that I enjoyed doing before. But I’m not particularly enjoying them now.
I don’t think that I’m losing interest in the things that I’ve always enjoyed. It’s more that I feel like I’ve lost interest in everything recently. A weight of apathy is the best way that I can describe it.
I had the same issue on Saturday night. It was St. Patrick’s day. Despite having no religious affiliation or any idea about what old Paddy is meant to have done (I’m guessing he pissed Guinness or something), I went out for a few drinks with friends. But if I’m honest, I just didn’t feel like it at all and I ended up leaving early. Pretty sure I pissed off my best friend in doing so. She didn’t seem happy at all. Probably because I left all of about an hour or so before they were all going to head home anyway.
I just couldn’t sit there and enjoy the night. I’m too far inside my own head at the moment and I had this overwhelming feeling that I was bringing the whole night down. I don’t think I was, but I dunno.
I just had no enthusiasm for seeing people who I love to pieces.
That’s been playing on my mind all day. And that leads me down the whole rabbit hole of thinking that it’s all just such an inconsequential problem that it’s not really worth talking about. My head just blows things out of proportion, even when I don’t say anything. I have entire conversations with people that will never happen and (surprise surprise) I don’t exactly find any revelations in those. I dunno. It’s just a weird headspace that I find myself in every so often.
And that means I didn’t exactly get to chill and forget about the world for a bit. I was too busy beating myself up over something so pissing minor that I can almost guarantee that nobody else cares about it.
It’s an odd dichotomy. I feel oversensitive about how people react to how little excitement I’m feeling right now. About anything.
Hopefully, I’ll get my head sorted out tomorrow. It all seems so minor. Even writing this out makes me wonder what’s making me feel off.
I just do.
I guess I’m hoping that writing down these ramblings will give me some perspective.
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