Things have definitely improved in Days of My Destiny

Thanks for your comments, suggestions and encouragement on my last entry regarding my parenthood steam running out. I really appreciate it. This situation was starting to really eat away at me and waking me up at night. I realised I wasn’t feeling connected to my children and I especially felt no connection with my older girl (she’s 10). This worried me to the core because the truth is, I didn’t really feel a strong connection with her at all until about three years ago. The last three years have been wonderful… and now this? I wasn’t sure I could handle it. I kept thinking about the coming years, and how I’d worked so hard to become a better parent for her sake and now it was going to all go out the window… it was in the background of all my dreams, and eventually one night last week I was woken up various times in the night, by my own stomach seemingly giving itself a punch. It was horrible. It was the night before I had to go to work (I work part-time) and by 3am I knew my mind was wide awake. I decided to get up and watch a movie. Then I thought that instead of watching a movie, maybe I could begin some research for my uni assignments. Then a thought popped into my head… “Speaking of research...... maybe you could do some research regarding how to reconnect with your children.......”

I listened to that voice and I’m so glad I did. I discovered that in the “tween” phase, children do very much revert to toddler behaviour in a lot of ways! I really sucked at that stage, I really am not cut out for toddler behaviour but alas, I am the parent, and if I am to do this well, I need to skill the hell up. Even though I’m not great at it, it was a relief to know that at least my oldest daughter is displaying neurotypical, developmentally appropriate behaviours, as frustrating as they might be to me.

The next thing I discovered is that girls this age just need you to meet them where they are. Instead of being all about rules, this stage is more about just really being there for them. Sitting with them. Dreaming with them. One article encouraged me to remember my own 10-year-old self and to remember what I myself dreamed about. Most girls, it said, dream about being famous, for example. I remembered having those same dreams for myself when I was about 12, 13. I made up a song that I still remember! It’s so silly but cute. It goes:

I want to be famous… like a chocolate bar
I want to be famous… like bubble gum
I want to be famous… like my Adidas shoes [<– I had Adidas shoes at one point!!!!!]
I want to be known for who I am

And if you don’t know who I am
You better get to know me
I’ll talk to you and be your friend, yeah!
And if you don’t like me, it doesn’t really matter
I just want to be known

How funny is that, lol. But it just goes to show how enticing the idea of fame was, lol. I know that my older girl wants to be a fashion designer. Of course she does, she’s 10. I never had dreams for fashion-related careers, in fact I never really understood fashion or why anyone made such a fuss about it. In my head I’ve always sort of gone, “Pfffft,” to fashion. And so when my daughter first mentioned wanting to be a fashion designer, I internally had that same reaction and figured it’s just a phase, who cares, she’ll soon move on and choose something better (??!). But that night I realised............ *what if it ISN’T just a phase? What if this really IS her dream? And you’re just sitting here totally NOT embracing her dreams? Totally doing the OPPOSITE to what you thought you would do when she was still in your womb? Yeah, remember that? How you always said you’d dream together and laugh together and fall together and it would all be okay? *

The very next night at bedtime, I decided to bring up the topic. I said to her, “You want to be a fashion designer one day, don’t you?” “Yeah,” she replied, curious as to where this was going. I said, “Because you know… some places sell fashion magazines, and I was thinking that maybe we could buy one sometime and have a look through it and just see what it’s all about.” Her face lit up like the moon had driven itself out of the sky and flown all the way into her heart in one second. I said, “Imagine you woke up tomorrow and you were already a fashion designer!!! Oh my goodness!! What would you do? Like, what would you say to your friends? How would you show up to school? How would you walk in?”

She got up and walked out of the room, preparing to show me how she’d walk in. The younger daughter and I sat on her bed, pretending to be her classmates, talking about whatever in the morning, waiting for her to walk in. When she did........ oh my goodness........... the CONFIDENCE, and the PIZZAZZ and the OOMPH and the BOUNCE and the SHINE!!!!! She was strutting that stuff, I tell you, hands on hips, walking like a superstar towards me!!! I was taken aback but in a good way, I was surprised by this whole other person walking into the room. She walked right up to us and in the American accent said, “Oh, hi!!!” And in my role of classmate, I responded, “Hi! Wow, you look amazing!!! What are you wearing?!” And she said (again in an American accent), “Taylor Swift!”

LOLOLOLOLOL.

So so so cute.

And that night, things just turned around. My older girl has been SO much happier again, just from this one moment of connection, this one moment of forgetting all the “sensible” parts of parenting and all the selfish wishing and wanting. I want something different for her, but who cares???!? In this moment, in the here and now, WHO. CARES????!!?!?

I needed a reminder of this, so badly.

And because she’s happier, so is my younger child! Because she’s happier, they are getting along so much better. Because she’s happier, her whole attitude to most things has done a complete 180! Because she’s happier, she’s nicer to be around and therefore doing anything for her and spending any time with her doesn’t feel like a chore! Because she’s happier, so is my heart!

A few nights ago she was upset about all the small things again. Later on the truth surfaced: her sister had gone on a playdate with her little best friend all that day, and yet she hasn’t had a playdate with her own bestie and they’ve been friends for THREE YEARS. I had to respond with compassion and empathy. Inwardly I am pissed. off. At her bestie’s parents, because they’ve made zero effort. It’s not through lack of trying. I have invited the girl to my daughter’s birthdays and they’ve never shown up. They don’t even RSVP until the actual thing has already started. It’s so rude and I’m over it, because it’s MY daughter that suffers! So I had to tell her that I have tried, and we know that both parents do shift work (I don’t know for sure if they BOTH do shift work but I go with that because it’s easier).... she was sad. I offered to do her nails. This is something we used to do all the time when we were interstate… we just had the time, and there was nothing else to do. So I used to do her nails. I haven’t done her nails since we moved home. Again, her face lit up. I went and got the bright pink nail polish that we happen to have in the house somewhere and I did her toenails (because our school doesn’t allow coloured nails… one of those private-school rules). And then I moisturised her feet. We connected. She observed her feet for a while and then said, “........do you think this is how famous people’s feet look all the time?”

She is obsessed with fame, it seems!

I said, “Yeah probably! ............... nah...... they get tired feet, too, sweetie.”

“Oh.”

And that was that.

I’ve realised that if I just GO WITH IT for a minute.......... that that’s ALL it takes right now to connect with her at this stage. And honestly, I think that is the one thing that is saving us, because relationships aren’t about expectations and expectations and more expectations.... when did I become this way???!

Through this next stage of her childhood, I will carry the following words in my heart. It was a song I made for her when she was still in utero, and it NEEDS to remain my promise.

*Today I vow, I promise to bring you light and bring you joy
As the two of us grow and learn together
Assuming nothing is my aim - I am clueless, I’m naive
I’m excited, open, willing to learn and more

Let me show you how to smile, how to breathe in happiness
How to be the sunshine when it’s on holiday
Hold onto my hand and we will walk in a straight line anywhere
Finding all direction through the wind that blows in our hair

Take everything with a grain of salt, but know your limits and where you stand
There will always be something positive to see
So as you join me, as we go through this maze we all call Life
I will always be here to pick you up when you’re down
And we will fall and we will laugh together
Yes we will fall, and we will laugh together
*
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Last updated March 12, 2018