Have had many day 1s in the last two years. Frankly, my life is in total disarray. The only thing that keeps me going is my income. On the other hand, this steady stream of money is also derailing my efforts. I spend so much money on food thinking just one more day. I’m talking about anywhere from 30 to 50 dollars a day. JFC. I’m setting all kinds of money and health goals, and here I am, burning piles of cash while putting on the poundage. I think I am around 350 lbs right now–too embarrassed to weigh myself (giving the scale a stinkeye right now). I am definitely on the circus freak side of things already for a woman who’s 5‘2”. I know these people stare at me at the elevator when I pick up my food deliveries in the condo lobby. My goodness, what a slob…
I know there are other ways to lose the weight. Healthier ways (according to popular opinion). I know a lot about fasting and have had many stretches of optimized health. I just devolve into this awful situation. I will admit I am really desperate and also an all or nothing type of person. I did a couple of 40-day fasts over the last two years and I’m quite sure those triggered these hardcore binges. In effect I put on so much fucking weight. I started at around 220 lbs two years ago. But the best way to lose weight is to stop eating. I literally can’t stop eating once I start so here I am. Anyway, I try not to judge myself too much. I will make it today. Usually it’s the headaches that get me. I haven’t felt hunger in a long time, mostly because I eat so much. I am scared of discomfort but to be honest, I can’t even reach my butt anymore to clean it when I shit. I use a bum gun. I only wear the same clothes every day.
Day 1 today. I’ll report here every day. Maybe multiple times a day. When I feel like giving in, I will write here.
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