Perhaps some day I'll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. in The Wanderer

“Perhaps some day I'll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow.” -SP

Yeah, I am definitely crawling back home...but I don't consider myself beaten or defeated because like Plath says, I can still make stories out of my heartbreak and I still find beauty in the sorrow. I am glad I finally got away from California for a good three years. It has been a great experience. I got to live an entire year in the beautiful state of Washington where I fell in love with not just the state, but the people. Then the whole experience of getting married and moving to the east coast. Now, that is not something many people get to experience, and even though things didn't work out in our marriage, doesn't mean I have any regrets. It is going to be a bittersweet experience coming back home, only because I am leaving a lot here.
First, I am leaving my marriage. I have no idea whether we are even going to be actually divorced or what. This is sad because we actually are really close, just not as a married couple. As soon as we separated, we became close. If that makes any sense. I am still at his apartment most days out of the week, and we do quite well as friends. So yes, I am saying goodbye to the married life, but I am also saying goodbye to a really great friendship with a guy who I will most likely never see again. It's very sad to think about it.
Second, I am leaving my very best friend Violaine. She is the first person I have met that truly understands where I am coming from in terms of relationships. She is the only person I know who feels the same way. She wants to be single. She wants to travel the world. She feels the same way about guys who come in and out of her life. She has fun, and doesn't take shit serious. She is very independent and has two masters already and has traveled to so many different countries, and has so much ambition and drive! I really look up to her and love how positive she is. It is going to be hard to say goodbye to that. At least I know I will be seeing her again sometime in the future, with our love for travel and all!
Third, I am leaving a guy who was only in my life for a short time, but who truly cares about me. A guy I have a lot in common with, and really wish I had met at a different time in my life. We are just on two completely different levels, and unfortunately, I need to leave and probably won't ever see him again. (Although, who knows, we might meet up at a Tool concert one of these days.) Despite the inevitable goodbye we must make, I am looking forward to our roadtrip across the country together--that will definitely be an unforgettable experience!
And then there is the return home. A home that hasn't been a home to me for a long time, far longer than the three years I've been away. A place with lots of drama. Messy, stagnant, stressful concrete jungle...Southern California. A lot of my decision to move back home had to do with my parents divorce. My mom is literally all alone and going fucking crazier than ever. I can't handle it way out on the other side of the country and it is driving me nuts. So many times I want to shake her and wake her up, but I'm so far away. The family unit relies solely on my crazy father for financial security, and the man is far from being able to provide that and it is ripping everyone apart over there. Even my poor Grandma has been stuck in the drama. So I am moving back to "fix" things. I have a plan. I hate to say that because, well, you know me and my "plans". But---for real, I need to get shit together. I think I can do shit different this time. I think I have grown up a bit and had the opportunity to clear my mind. And my biggest advantage---being on my own! No man to hold half the decisions. My own mind. My own decisions. My own life. And also the fact that it isn't just me that is relying on my plan to work---it is my family. So Mother and I will be living somewhere where I can solely focus on school and saving up, saving up, saving up. Since it has been nearly impossible for me to save up since I've left, I am fully using this opportunity to get my finances together because a) my father never will and I'm sick of what it is doing to my family and b) I want the financial freedom to MOVE to Washington and have my OWN little house in Olympia. $10,000 isn't really that hard to save up if you have the chance to. Thankfully, I do. And thankfully, I will also be able to be there for my family. I want to make sure my brother and Mish are okay too. The goal is to get my BA and teaching credentials and as soon as that is done (2 years max?) I should have the money for the down payment...and with a little fix in my credit.....I should be good to go. I'm not letting anything stop me this time. I'm going to be strong for myself and my family because no one else can. I'm going to save shit. Fix shit. Mend shit. And move shit. Yes. Let's get this life going!!!