Who am I in How I Feel

For a while, everything was surreal and I always felt like I’d wake up. But this I can feel. It’s the pain of existence. It’s real. And everything I’ve done, every reckless decision I made because I never thought it would matter, it’s hitting hard. The friends I’ve lost, the way I let myself go, all the skipping school and refusing to do work. I always relied on what I would fall back on. I had always planned to eventually commit suicide. But now, I’ve decided against it. The only situation in which I would do so is if my mom and little sister both died. But for the time being, that’s not likely, so I’m stuck on this Earth with the consequences of the actions I took or didn’t take. Every now and again, it’s a rush of emotion. It lets me know that I exist. I’m in constant haze otherwise. I hear myself talk. I feel the words coming out of my mouth, yet I don’t even know what I’m saying. Half the time, I don’t even know what I’m doing and why. I look in the mirror and I see an unfamiliar person staring back. I only feel pain genuinely. Everything else is fake. All on the surface whereas the pain is deeply rooted. My only conscience is behind a thick veil of fog. Every part of me screaming, telling me to get off my ass and do what I need to do. But it’s only heard as a faint echo. The numbness controls me. I am not me. My actions don’t reflect me. I don’t know where I got lost, tripped and fell. I’m sure I was in touch with reality not too long ago. But I don’t know that for sure. I can’t trust my brain. I can never tell if some thing actually happened, or if the memory of it is a mere delusion, fabricated by my mind. Who am I? What am I? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.