Most of my life has been spent pretending- pretending to be something that I’m not, imagining that I’m in another place and creating my own alter reality. Children refer to this as ‘playing pretend’, professionals refer to this as ‘maladaptive dreaming’ but I like to call it my own special world.
This world is essentially my idealized reality; a reality where I can be anyone I want, do anything I want and be everything that I have always dreamed of. Generally, I become the main protagonist in the stories and scenarios that sprout from my head- the heroin, the ‘popular girl’ or the sweet girl next door. Whatever I want, whoever I want to be- anything is possible.
Who wouldn’t want that? The ability to escape the real world for hours on end, distracting yourself from the negativity that is everpresent in the real world. No insecurities, no fear of rejection and no conflict.
However, all of this imagining, all of this dreaming, all of these different personas that I have assumed since the very building blocks of my dream world were set- these have all blended together and created a barrier, a stone wall, a dome between me and reality.
After being someone else for so long it is incredibly difficult to figure out how to be yourself. Who am I? Its a question that many young adults ask themselves when facing an identity crisis, however, the follow-up question that I must face now is- Who am I not?
I’m not a model, I’m not a member of MENSA, I’m not an Olympic athlete, I’m not a graduate student, I’m not a software engineer, I’m not a photographer, I’m not an artist, I’m not a dancer, I’m not rich, I’m not famous.
I’m not a genius
I’m not beautiful
I’m NOT perfect
I’m Me
Whoever that is.
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