I have often thought about coming on here just to write, but I can never seem to find time or I guess it is a matter of making time. It is has almost been a year. I think I need a place to release my thoughts before my brain explodes.
I don’t even know where to start. All I know is that I have an incredible weight on my shoulders and sometimes I just don’t know how to cope. I feel as if I will run out of air at any given moment.
A great deal of the stress I think stems from my husband being unemployed. I have been working full time as a teacher at an Independent Study High School for the past 3.5 years and I love my job (it can be stressful, though, because there are many demands on meeting school goals). My husband’s work has not been so stable and he has changed jobs every year or two and has been laid off several times due to companies shutting down. For the last 6 months, he has been unemployed. I am so thankful that my job is keeping us afloat, and we have accepted our circumstances and know that this is a season. Lately, though, I feel like the stress is getting to both of us. I feel like that the financial burden is resting on my shoulders. We got in an argument last night and we both said some things that should not have been said. It resulted in me sobbing in bed, and him doing nothing.
We have two daughters, 3 and 6. The older one goes to school and the younger one goes to daycare twice per week. He has her the other three days per week. Even though he is a wonderful daddy to her while I work, he often blames not being able to look for work on her. It is frustrating because there is nothing I can do about this. Yes, I understand he is frustrated, but I feel like a rock in a hard place. When I get home from work (absolutely drained), he pretty much “clocks out” and they become my responsibility. I guess that is motherhood, but if the roles were reversed I would not have that option. We are just not seeing eye to eye anymore and I am struggling with the realization that we are now on different playing fields. It used to be that we both worked full time so we would split the household duties and we were getting through our busy lives together.
I don’t even know what I am trying to say. I really do appreciate him being a stay at home dad, but why can’t I be appreciated too? I am so terrified this is going to continue to take a toll on our marriage. I hate arguing and not feeling valued when I am working so hard for our family.
It is 4:00 a.m. and I have hardly been able to sleep which is so unlike me. Usually, I am out like a light and sleep until my three year old starts calling for me.
I am hoping that writing more will be therapeutic for me. I can’t bottle these emotions up anymore because then I will explode. I am going to try to sleep. I have a full day ahead of me with my students who need me at my best.
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