you again in 2018

2:39pm

I feel like everyone’s entries are going to start the same way - how will we survive without PB!? =(

I thought I was doing something wrong yesterday when I kept typing the web address and it would go to the search feature. Then I thought it was some weird thing going on with my browser. But I eventually got smart enough to search around and found the fb page and the updates on the entire site being down. Well, at least it’s not just me.

What am I supposed to do while I’m trying to kill time at work though!? Or when I’m avoiding actual work?! haha. ;) I do actually click over to the site quite a bit during the work day. It’s usually open somewhere in the background and I’m either working on an entry or catching up on others. I think it settles my brain too, like a break from the hectic world around me. I just focus on the words and let everything else go for a little while. So I guess it’s been kinda lonely without it the last couple of days. I can’t think of any other way to kill time. hah. I was even pushed so far as to go searching for OD, even though I’d previously had zero desire to do so. The good/bad news is that my work has it blocked as a social media site so that search ended as quickly as it started.

Honestly though I don’t see any reason to go back there. I miss some of the people I used to read/connect with but it’s never going to be the same over there. And I don’t understand why he waited so long to bring it back. I’m not even sure I’d enjoy going back that far in time to read old entries. I feel like I’m such a different person now. I don’t think I’m even the same person from last year, certainly not from the year before, so why go back there? It’s done. I’m over it.

So, it’s a couple hours later but my next line in here was going to be something along the lines of not having seen TF yet even though he was supposed to come by to drop stuff off like a week ago.

That line is no longer true....He left here about 15 minutes ago.

I’m feeling mixed emotions. Like part of me wants to burst into tears because there are just so many leftover feelings lingering inside of me. The other part of me feels like it was weird, but ok. I don’t know. I guess I was hoping he’d be really ugly. Then I saw those pictures the other day and the odds seemed to be in my favor and yeah....no…he was not ugly. =|

I’m not going to be stupid this time though, I swear.

I had a feeling he’d be coming in today. I knew he wasn’t going to show up tomorrow but the later it got the less I felt that way. I was sitting in the back filing paperwork when I heard the door open. I thought it was the client we were waiting for but then I realized they were too quiet and mom wasn’t moving to greet them. So I came around the corner and we locked eyes, and I started to move towards him but then turned around. Oh, it’s you, nevermind, nobody’s here. He laughed as I disappeared around the corner and took my time to close up my drawer. As I came back around mom had finally come up front and he was calling out her name. I walked between them and around my front desk.

He handed me all his paperwork and she started to talk to him and I started sorting through it. I asked about one form, he didn’t know what I needed. I handed mom another one I’d never seen before. She was saying something about how she’d made the guy on his case her friend and I made a joke about how he probably sent the flowers she received here at work. I was in the middle of saying how I thought they were for me and they got the name wrong and he was asking if I thought they were mine when the damn phone rang. I thought he’d leave if I answered but when I saw the caller ID it was our missing client for her anyway. She went to go answer and we kept talking but within a minute another client walked in the door. UGH. I had a speech planned! I had jokes. I had hints. I had everything worked out in my mind!

Maybe it was the Universe though. Blocking me from saying anything stupid. Or inappropriate. Or too flirty. =\

He was definitely looking me over. There was plenty of the usual eye contact; to the point where I had to look away because I didn’t want to look into his eyes anymore. They were still that same damn color that attracted me to him in the first place. I don’t know why I thought his eyes would be any less beautiful a year later. ha. As if eyes can change! And he did not look chubby like I thought he might. He’s not skinny by any means, and he’s still got that stocky look going on, but he was wearing a vest over whatever shirt he had on and he wasn’t big at all. Or maybe my mind blocks out all the ugly. ! That’s what it is. I block all his ugly!!

Anyway, yeah, when he wasn’t staring into my eyes I could see him looking at my side. I don’t know if it was my hair, or my shirt, or what exactly he was eyeing. At least I looked good today. =] When he told me to be prepared I definitely listened. ;) At one point mom was talking so I was looking over at her but when I glanced in his direction I could see his eyes moving up and down over me. If anything, he did always give me a giant ego boost.

I was going to say the other day how I thought maybe adding his sister was a mistake. We’d been messaging back and forth and she gets tagged in a lot of stuff. She seems pretty active on social media so it’s around quite a bit. Something about seeing it all the time, and being reminded of him/that family, felt like a bad idea. I mean the other day all the girls and kids got together to bake Valentine’s day cookies. Do you know how much I’ve always wanted a big family that did things like that?! sigh

It’ll be fine. I just have to get used to it. She’s a nice girl. And I’ve always said I’d enjoy being friends with her. We’re very similar. It has nothing to do with TF.

The problem was that I dreamt about him that night and thought about what it would be like to run into him at a gathering, or to be near him again.

This has been sitting in my drafts folder for days because I wanted to come back to say more about that day but I could never remember what it was I wanted to say.

I guess all in all it wasn’t so bad. He was there. We talked. We made eye contact. There were lots of interruptions and he left saying to call him. I’d asked if he wanted to wait for her to get off the phone but since there was another client he rushed to leave saying he was late for something or other.

There were only a couple moments that caused me a slight bit of panic: 1) I’d reached for the mouse for whatever reason [probably out of habit b/c I can’t sit still while talking to someone] and his hand was nearby. I had flashbacks to all those moments where he’d reach over and lay his hand on top of mine last year.
2) In a similar instance, I was holding all of his paperwork at the edge of my desk [it’s less than 3 ft wide] and out of nowhere he reached out to grab the piece of paper next to me and look it over. Of course the way he reached made it seem like he was going for my hand so I panicked in my mind. He really had no reason to grab that paper and I’m not even sure if he understood what it was for so it was strange. Maybe the same thoughts were running through his head? I doubt it, but maybe.

He’s been on my mind a lot since that day but I guess that’s not unusual. I probably need to write up on entry on this but I always feel so weird bringing it up over and over again.

Ah well. I better post.

rose.
11:58am

Last updated February 20, 2018