The story of Sir Lance is a pretty simple one, I guess. I’ve had a small bump or lump on the back of my neck for years and years. I noticed it as a pea-size probably 15 years ago, and it remained that way for many, many years. Every once in a while I would touch it and remember it was there, but it never ever bothered me…never hurt, never looked yucky, never did anything…to the point that I never mentioned it to anyone (including any and all doctors) because I never thought about it.
Over the last couple of years, it seemed like it was getting a tiny bit bigger and bigger, but again, never bothered me, never hurt, nobody ever noticed it - especially me most of the time.
A few months ago I was having a family dinner - it may have been Thanksgiving because I remember my brother talking about some kind of cyst or lipoma or bump he had on his back, and I said that I had a lump too. Then my dad chimed in and said he thought that these lumps/bumps were hereditary because he’d had to have surgery on two of them over the years - one was on his tailbone (which is a specific kind of cyst) and the other was on his back. He said that the tailbone one was pretty bad because it hurt and it would open and ooze and bleed, but the other one was no biggie.
We all talked about our lumps and bottom line was, leave them alone and don’t mess with them if they aren’t messing with you. I even Googled lipomas (because that’s what I was sure mine was), and the information I found was the same - leave them alone unless they hurt or get infected or are growing into massive, melon-sized tumors!
Flash forward to my recent travels. In the past two months I’ve taken three or four trips, and each time I carried a small carry-on suitcase supplemented by a rather large tote bag that holds a LOT of shit. So much shit that I was stuffing it full and then hoisting the damn thing on my shoulder and was lugging it around…a LOT.
After my last trip, I remember distinctly after we landed and I was at the airport, I stopped at a kiosk to get some water and a snack of some sort to get me home after a long trip, and I threw the goods in that big tote and somehow SLAMMED the tote against the bump in my upper shoulder/lower neck. It hurt and it actually felt like something snapped inside my shoulder. I didn’t immediately think about Sir Lancelot, but I do remember thinking, “OUCH!”
Several days later, I noticed a pain in my neck, and it wasn’t Negative C (heh)!
When I pulled the top of my top down and put my back to a mirror and looked around at the back of my neck, I noticed that the spot/bump had bruised severely and it just felt like a painful bruise…yet it was a bruise on top of the lump. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I remembered the damn tote bag incident!
I immediately tried to become a new patient at a new physician’s office because I need a new primary care physician and thought it would be a good time to have Sir Lance examined. I filled out paperwork and sent it in, anxiously awaiting a phone call.
Few days later, I remember it was the Friday before last, I was bothered by the lump and right before I left the office to start my weekend, I went to the bathroom and did the look-around at my neck again, and the bump was BLACK and ANGRY and looked like it was coming to a HEAD!!! WTF?! I actually gave it a slight squeeze and it was about to blow..and that FREAKED me out because…lipomas don’t pop…or do they?
Went home that Friday evening and Googled and YouTubed and researched and researched the hell out of that thing - basically spent the entire weekend looking at it and researching and generally freaking myself out because it just seemed to get worse and worse.
I tried all of the homeopathic remedies - I made a paste of baking soda and water with a tiny bit of salt in it, I put warm compresses on it several times a day, I covered a bandage with thin layer of raw honey which can be used as a natural antibiotic - did you know this?
Days went by as I waited for my doctor appointment. I finally got an appointment, but not until the following Tuesday (which would be yesterday).
Meanwhile, after many, many warm compresses and baking soda pastes, our good friend decided to expel himself!!! All I had to do was a good, intense workout, followed by a lovely, warm compress and as soon as that compress was off and I turned my head to look in the mirror…..
KABLOOEY!!! The lovely Lancey exploded right before my very eyes! It was absolutely astounding. I didn’t even have enough time to video or back-selfie myself. A gigantic mass of something I can only describe as Marshmallow Fluff ® flew up and out and pretty much all the way down my back. It wasn’t gross, really. It wasn’t pus. It wasn’t foul-smelling like they say cysts are. It was just amazing.
I’m sorry that’s so graphic sounding, but I honestly don’t know how else to describe it. It was highly satisfying to see that mass just…go poof.
Now. Sir Lance was not quite flat, so I know that there was still something in there, and I had a feeling it was the capsule (which I’ve done enough research on to know…it’s like the sac that surrounds a mass/cyst like this).
Anyway. There was now a hole where Lance once resided, so I covered it up and went on with my day (which happened to be Valentine’s Day…Happy V. Day to me!), and I ended up going out with my parents, which was actually quite a wonderful time (another story), and I told them of Lance over dinner. Not super appetizing, but Dad once again told me of his stories and how he had his lumps and bumps fixed and resolved, so he actually made me feel much better.
Flashing forward to yesterday, my doctor visit.
I guess I’d worked myself into an even bigger frenzy for whatever reason when the day arrived, because I’d decided that I actually did NOT want to be cut on Tuesday. I was feeling scared, even though the doctor seemed totally on board and not at all concerned with my descriptive story (above). I basically told him the same thing I just told you and he asked if he could see what was left of my dear Sir.
I told him again that I didn’t want to be cut, and he said, “I’m NOT going to cut you…today.”
But what he did do…WAS SQUEEZE!
That motherfucker took hold of Lance’s remains and SQUEEZED the FUCK out of him!
And apparently some pus squirted out and the rest was a bloody mess. He said, yeah, it’s probably gonna have to go, but he also said that he was going to prescribe some antibiotics to get Mr ABSCESS to heal from this infection before referring me to a dermatologist who could perform this surgery in a more cosmetic way than he could. Yes, Sir Lancelot is going to leave a scar.
But there was no real concern from the doctor. He was like, “yeah, these things are common.”
Yet he still couldn’t discern whether our friend was a cyst or a lipoma that had burst due to my tote bag flinging. Doesn’t really matter, he said, they are both treated the same way.
Like, NO BIG DEAL, stop freaking yourself out!!
So. That’s the story of Lance. He’s still around, so I’m going to need to find a way to finish this not-so-much-love story. Right now we’re still attached, but I am really feeling like he needs to get the fuck off my back.
Stay tuned for the ongoing adventures of The Lancinator. This is one breakup I’m going to be thrilled about, I’m sure.
xox,
GS
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