Aaaaaaaaaand we're back! in The Road Ahead

Phew, thank goodness, we’re back up and running. I had a rough stretch of days there that coincided with the PB blackout and I’m glad to have my diary dumping place again. I logged into my old Open Diary, but it felt less like coming home to a familiar butt groove in the couch, and more like driving past the first haunted house I lived in. My entries were so sad and despondent. I was almost entirely consumed by pain, my days and nights were spent trying to survive to the next day. It’s sad and depressing, but luckily I can say I’m in less pain now! It also makes me sad to read some of the old note exchanges I had with other OD authors, people that have disappeared into the ether(net). I wish I had current contact information with them so I could catch back up with them. I hope they’re all doing well. :)

So yes, let’s see. HUGE depression spike at the end of last week/beginning of this one. I started coming out of it on Valentine’s Day actually, and am feeling stronger every day since then. I’ve been pounding the job boards, Craigslist, work from home positions, and updating my LinkedIn profile so maybe I’ll come across something there as well. I’d be excited to hear back from the gaming company I applied to today! To be honest, I’d be excited to hear back from any of the applications I’ve put in. I’m working on getting my W9 in so that I can become an independent contractor and get my very own Tax Identification Number, how sexy! wolf whistle

I think a big part of the depression is my limited contact. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone out in my van and feeling connected is one of my core needs. When that need isn’t being met, I feel adrift, untethered, and lost. A little reassurance goes a long way with me, especially when it’s positively reinforced with physical touch. I’d say that’s another core need for me, physical affection and grounding. Growing up, it was a barren wasteland when it came to feeling connected/reassured/safe. All I ever wanted was to be held and comforted with nice touches and I know that I feel much better when I’m being regularly touched and embraced. That’s also how I express my affection and feelings is through warm and soft and safe physical touch. And lately, things have been lacking in that department for me. I would really like to find a very snuggly, cuddly partner to help fulfill those needs for me and also have an outlet for my own affections! I just haven’t had any luck lately when it comes to finding other potential partners. I can’t even get a message back on OkCupid. lol I’ve been finding most of my socialization on Xbox lately. It’s not a dating site, but it’s just nice to be able to talk to people that are already interested in the same things as me without barriers like profile pics, archaic and complex messaging systems and algorithms or awkwardness.

I talked to an old friend of mine yesterday about his upcoming wedding. He was the best man at my wedding and originally I was his. However, I’m not a planner. I’m not even really a grown-up, so I talked to him and told him that I want him to have the best possible wedding and that meant having someone else be the best man. He understood and I’m still in the wedding party, I’m just not on the line for planning a weekend-long bachelor party. My bachelor party was a very nice, chill, laid back LAN party with my closest friends where we gamed and hung out together and ate vegan food. I loved it. My buddy is talking about wanting to rent a pontoon boat for a lake party and Medieval Times for dinner and a bunch of other stuff. I have no rightly idea and that sounds awwwwwwwwwwwwwwful to me. Also, here’s the other big kicker. I can’t stand his fiancé. She is so annoying, with her baby voice and ignorance. She grates on my nerves and every minute I spend in her presence my flesh is crawling to get the hell out of dodge. I’ve been advised not to say anything about it to my friend, which makes sense, but it does make it hard to excuse away the fact that we haven’t hung out much because I simply can’t stand being around his partner. I want him to be happy, and if she can do that, wonderful, I can fake it for him but I’m going to haaaaaaaate it all the way.

I’m trying to be kinder with my veganism and how I express it. I’m still posting on Facebook, but am making a conscious effort to write in a way that is less combative. I get aggravated when people mock veganism. What’s funny about believing in kindness and compassion being extended to animals and other non-humans? Where’s the joke in celebrating and inviting violence into your home and body three times a day? What’s amusing about being against suffering and pain and oppression? It’s exhausting to hear people bitch about vegans and how they want their choices to be respected. Make a choice worth respecting! Continuing to participate in cycles of violence and oppression isn’t something to be lauded, especially when there are viable options outside of it. When you make a choice that has a victim, that choice stops being personal and starts being wrong. I feel very passionately about it and am forcing myself to take a step back and keep in mind that not everyone sees things the way I do. I wasn’t always woke like this. I’ve been vegan for six years now, but definitely remember scoffing at vegetarian friends in high school. DICK MOVE YOUNG ANDREW, DICK MOVE. I regret it now, but it’s been a good reminder to be kind and to try my hand at being patient. I wish everyone felt as strongly about it as I do, but I know that’s not how the world works and I also know that my personal story gives me a deep understanding and relation to the plight of lost innocence. The best I can do is continue to offer up why veganism is so cool and friendly and IMHO, the best way to be! :)

I don’t know. I’m just a crunchy granola hippie. I think guns should be outlawed. I think animals should be friends not food. I think we should save the planet. I think we should dismantle the patriarchy and the military-industrial complex. I think we should stop spending on defense and pour money into education, healthcare, and infrastructure. I think we should have safety nets that help protect the most vulnerable and marginalized. I think we should redistribute the available wealth and have earning caps put in place while also raising the minimum wage to an actually livable fucking level. I think we have all the tools we need to fix a lot of the issues we’re facing, but the status quo and greed are still the driving force in this country and the world at large. We can all be so much better, to ourselves, to each other, to the planet, but we aren’t. Most of us are so bogged down in just trying to secure the basic components of living (food, shelter, clothing, basic survival shit) that we are never (or rarely) allowed to have the energy leftover at the end of the day to fight the REAL big bosses. If you’re focused on putting food on the table, it’s much harder to go to rallies or marches or even to take the time off to vote! It’s frustrating to want to do so much good and having the world look you back at you with a nonchalant smirk and shoulder shrug. I remember feeling the same way after getting back from leadership camps and equality sleepaways. You’re amped up to make a difference, you’re armed with knowledge and compassion and empathy....and then you get back to “real” life and it falls flat in the face of apathy or ignorance or greed. It seems so natural to want to help and be a part of the solution, that when you get resistance, it’s mystifying.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend and I’m glad to see all your shining faces again. :)