People who don't know me would probably see me as a very detached, apathetic, and maybe secretive, person. That perception wouldn't be entirely wrong. What I do remember of my youth is the burden and struggle I had with trying to "fit in". I had to learn through trial and error at a very young age how to deal with people the way I considered "normal" people would. Because of this fake way of communication, I was never really able to make connections with people, pursue relationships or even able to maintain a friendship.
Being with Clair, who is the perfect partner on paper, has been a real struggle lately. I don't use the word love, ever, and saying it to my family used to be a reflex. Having it confessed to me is something I can't reciprocate back. Clair has been very patient with me and its been months since he first said I love you. He's even willing to wait till I feel the same way, but I don't think I ever will. The thought of breaking up with him has crossed my mind many times.
In the beginning I thought that maybe I could stick it out for this semester until he moves to Paris but he's talking about pursuing a long distance relationship. I don't want that. I don't want to be burdened with this emotional bond that he formed between us. This relationship was a mistake from the very beginning. I was never looking for anything serious and I thought after he got tired of the boring me, he would move on to some new girl. But that didn't happen. The feelings he had for me just grew more and more.
I'm jealous, I want nothing more than to feel this feeling of "love" for him. I really tried to feel the same way too. But it just isn't there. The physical attraction, the emotional excitement, the social comfort, it's all there when I'm with him. But the passion, the raw, intimate passion, just isn't there. It make me feel guilty, I feel like I'm stringing him along giving him hope that eventually I'll feel the same way, and I guess I'm hoping that if I commit myself more I will, but I'm not.
Along with breaking up with him the thought of just accepting it and giving in has crossed my mind too. I care a lot for Clair, I don't want to hurt him and It kills me to see him try so hard to win me over. If I said I loved him back, not truly feeling the words I give, and just "be there", isn't a horrible thought, I've done it before. It would be a win-win wouldn't it? I would have this great guy, who treats me fantastic and he would live believing I love him. He would get what he wants and I would get this perfect boyfriend.
But even though I want to be with him I can't help but feel guilty. I know how I feel, I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me. It's taken me along time to learn how to make genuine connections with people, and if I were to ever fall in love I would want to be with that person knowing that they genuinely felt the same way. It would be insulting to me knowing that they didn't truly love me, and I have a lot of respect for Clair.
I think he deserves to be with someone who truly loves him and I think that person would deserve to be with Clair a lot more than I do, someone who can truly give Clair what he wants and appreciate the effort and love he has to give.
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