We our all searching for that moment, lost in the idea of our life being something more than our typical nap time dream. Our imaginations run yet we search for it through aimless ideas of love, some through fulfilling dreams; and others, as myself, seek it through purpose.
This moment of mine, was not magnificent or sought for in my dreams, but a mere seconds of eternity where purpose was bled into me. The story of a unsought for hero; a gray story.
My body faced forward; eyes straight. I breathed in the typical smell of my gym as the barbell crashed the floor. Till this day i can feel the sweat run down my neck. The heat of the summer crashing down as the large propelled fans shifted the air. I looked up to see my coach, a short big hearted grizzly bear who was stronger than any single glance would give him credit for. He paced back and forth examining his fellow athletes. After a year of being coached by him i had yet to grasp his body language. I was never quite sure what was on his mind.
My mind was busy arguing about the idea if it was a good time to go to the bathroom, like i had argued with if the gym was even a good idea that day. Most days were never a question, but today my mind felt tired, today felt different.
“Janie get up off the floor!”, i heard the familiar voice of my coach roar across the gym as an athlete laid out on the cold black ground. My decision was made as i pranced towards the restroom almost bypassing the roaring at the other side of the gym. But as i approached a second roar blared into my “Janie?”. At this point i was reaching the site of question, but before my mind could run from the idea of going pee, it was racing to the body that now laid in front of me, Janie.
Janie was a butterfly, not because she was beautiful or unique but because when people saw her they smiled. She had a laugh and a way of making others know they had one too. A wife, a mother of what we called a “large family” and she was full of life with so many memories. Yet, there she lay, emotional less, drained, unfamiliar.
My heart stopped, no, perhaps it was my thought process. Because as i looked down i cant speak of that very moment, i cant recall what was felt or what was lost. It was a untold dream, it was a dose of purpose that was being given to me. There lied a blue, lifeless body. There lied Janie.
Growing up i always sought approval, whether it was from the ones i loved or the people who refused to believe success was in my story. I hated feeling needy, so i became a introvert, and found peace in feeling wanted through helping others. Most days i just wanted to not make a fool of myself, most days i found happiness in not being noticed.
But today was different. Today was gray.
“I don’t think she has a pulse!”. My two fingers ran across her neck trying to feel something other than my own heart pounding. Her eyes were fixated. Opened wide glazed over she was stuck. Suddenly i remembered these eyes, they were glued into my brain with the years of emergency room nursing, i had seen them before. I inhale life into my body, but the roar is quiet, the smell is gone, the noise is silent, everything is gray.
“Lacey, can you hear me”, My voice crackles. Laying flat on her back, her body begins to shake. I throw my body against hers, shift her weight to her side. I look up for a second to scream for help. “She’s seizing, call an ambulance”.
To be continued....
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