resurgent in 2018

2:55pm

This is just an update to the same ol’ topic so feel free to skip right along. I need to write it down and keep it as a reminder of where I was at and what was happening. The same way I read the entry I made a year ago yesterday and I was talking about the same damn sh*t because I was in the exact same place in this situation. Granted at the time it had only been a few weeks since I’d seen/spoken to him and this time was almost a year.

Notice how I said ”was” just now? Yup! TF called me just before 11:30 this morning! I’m pretty sure it was this same Friday a year ago that he called and asked me to marry him. sigh And if I remember correctly the exact same clients came in today too only this time they weren’t around when I got the phone call. I was actually alone in the office for the first part of it.

I’d turned around to check the caller ID but the number didn’t click right away. I kept staring at it, like I know this from somewhere, and just as I picked up and was about to run through my spiel it clicked! Ding I’m not going to lie - I got super nervous, or I guess my adrenaline kicked into high gear. I wasn’t actually nervous. But my heart started racing and I could feel my voice start to shake. I tried to will my voice to settle down and didn’t say much at first. I didn’t know if he could tell but I didn’t want him to hear the affect his call was having on me. Good ol’ pride and all!

So I made it through the spiel and he said my name all pretty like he does and I laughed and said hi. Because what the hell else are you gonna do? He asked me how my vacation had been. Pretty great thanks. He asked if I’d gone to see the world’s largest cow, which is apparently the only thing he remembers from my Mt. Rushmore trip last year. I told him I didn’t get a chance to see it this year. I was going to mention going to WI but then he started talking about Thailand or the Philippines. I said I didn’t make it out there either but I did go to Cancun. It was the only “foreign” place I could think of. He asked if I swam with the dolphins. No. He asked if I’d gotten a tan and I had flashes in my mind to how white my skin is right now. haha. I started telling him that it had been raining and he says that I probably didn’t even put a swimsuit on the whole time I was there. I laughed, because obviously this is what he’d think about when I mention Cancun, and I don’t know if I said “maybe” or “you never know” or something. He said he knew or something. It’s all kinda fuzzy in my head. But I know that I ended up saying, “you don’t really know anything about me.” And he tried to argue that he did and that he knew me better than I thought. Or knew more about me than I knew. Whatever.

[sidenote: I didn’t even think about it until later but that is something I said a lot to him while we were trying to figure things out. Because he seriously never gave me a chance. He didn’t want to get to know me. And I think pretty much every time we had a “disagreement” it was because he didn’t understand where I was coming from and he was trying to say things about me that weren’t true simply because he didn’t know me. I didn’t actually say that to him on purpose during the phone call! But I thought it funny that it came up that way…]

I asked him what was going on and he said that it was this time of year and he thought he should call to check in. That he didn’t want to make an appointment but just wanted to call to say hi to me. I asked if he was calling just to give me a hard time. “NO! Not at all!” He was going to hang up around this time and I brought up that I thought he was supposed to bring us paperwork/information. He said he had no idea what I was talking about. I said it had been a long time and I was pretty sure he was supposed to come by at some point to give us stuff. I know for a fact that he received letters he never brought in, but whatever. He insisted he did not know what I was talking about. And that the only kind of letter he might have needed to give me was a love letter. HAH I laughed at him and said, “yeah right!! I am not going to get one of those from you.” He did one of those oh you just wait kinda deals, but we all know that’s never going to happen.

I’ve gotta give the guy props though. He is a smooth talker! I’m just not going to fall for bullsh*t this time around. I’ll laugh, and flirt, and joke, but I am taking absolutely none of it seriously. No illusions. No fantasies. I have spent the last 10 months building up an immunity to that bs.

Interesting the way he acted like nothing had happened between us. Not that I’m entirely surprised. I sorta figured it would happen that way. Another clean start. I just didn’t think he’d try to pull that charm again.

After the love letter stuff he asked if we were still drinking tequila or we’d moved on to other things. “Nope. I gave that up.” “REALLY? You did?!” Haha. No. That’ll be the day. He said something about how I was lying to him and I said that I wasn’t lying I just wasn’t telling the whole truth. And he said that if a guy tried to pull something like that the girl would call him crazy and get upset. I said it was fine. He could do it if he wanted. He goes, “Oh thanks [unintelligible]” He repeated it and turns out he was calling me “boss” but I heard “Mom”. So I go “oh I thought you said mom. And I am not your mom.” He says, “You can be my momma but you can’t be my mom....my momma like my hot momma.” Ugh. Whatever dude.

At this point I was over it so I was trying to direct the conversation towards goodbye. He could clearly tell because he started to say how he’d call us later and goes “don’t be a stranger. Text me some time.” I lied and said I didn’t have his number. And he did one of those “oh damn! you deleted my number and everything.” I told him that I did. Although the truth is that I never saved it in my old phone so when I switched back in October nothing transferred.

We were going back and forth on this. Him telling me that I had all of his information so I could find it. I told him that I didn’t and that it didn’t even come up on the caller ID. There was just a reject button but I didn’t see it fast enough to hang up the call. I don’t remember exactly how the whole thing went down but some time during this exchange I was talking about deleting the number and he says something like “damn you must have been pretty heartbroken” and I go “Yeah! I was!” and then he said I was full of it, which is the same basic thing mom said yesterday. Why does nobody believe me!? Geez. Do I not seem like the type of girl who could have her heart broken?? I know I’m tough but dang! I have feelings too! -_-

I think that was pretty much all that was said and then we hung up and I’m sure I’ll either see him around or he’ll call again soon.

This is what I needed though. Haven’t I been saying this?! I needed to get that initial conversation over with. I needed to know what it would be like. What he would say. I hate the unknown. That’s what drives me nuts. I mean I sorta knew what he would be like but there was still some uncertainty. Was there a part of me that wanted him to come in here all sad and apologetic? Yeah, of course. But clearly he does not think I was hurt by any of it. Which is fine. I’ve worked my way through it. I’m almost completely done processing what I went through last year. It’ll be ok.

Obviously this will not be the last time I mention him. It’s a part of my world. It’ll probably continue to at least be a small part of my world for the rest of my life. I mean when you think you’re going to marry a guy, those feelings don’t just go away in an instant. It’s why I keep trying to get it all out. So that I can learn the lessons I was supposed to gain and realize it wasn’t all for not. It meant something. I don’t exactly know what yet. But I’ll get there eventually.

Now, was there a split second there where I thought texting might be fun again, especially now? Yup. There was! Because I love flirting and I can be really playful in the right situations. I would love to experience that all over with him without the weight of it all. Like the way I am right now where I’m not so invested in it. Where I’m not obsessing over his every contact, or when we’re going to spend time together, or living out the rest of my life by his side. There’s way less pressure now. No expectations. No more feelings of OMG This is the love of my life and we are supposed to be together for.ever!!!

It would be on my terms. Without all the intense lust and desire for him. Without the stupid mother freaken chemicals that distorted my mind and body. Just a low-key, hey we’re friends and I’m going to reject all of your advances, but we can still have fun kinda thing. Kinda like what I have going with the client.

I know that’ll never happen though. We never could just be friends. I don’t think either one of us really knew how. It would be nice but alas....

I’m hoping to sneak out of work early, go see my aunt who just had surgery yesterday, get some shopping done, pick up dinner, then drive back home and spend the rest of the night on the couch. It’s back to work again early tomorrow. No rest for the wicked.

But I sure feel a hell of a lot better!!!

rose.
5:25pm

Last updated January 29, 2018