Used 5/30/2004
I'm going back to Binghamton on Monday. It's 2:50 am on Sunday morning. It was my mother's birthday on the 29th. We had Chinese food by ourselves since John was still at his prom, Jake was at work with my Dad, and Becca was out with her boyfriend Jay. I fell asleep soon afterwards and woke up at about 11:30 pm and watched movies til I was bored so I went on-line.
Henry IMed me out of the blue to say hi. He's in Binghamton already and bored. He told me he had been drinking and his IMs got more and more distorted. He asked me if I remembered when I had put the "3 hours and 12 minutes" in my away message...actually it wasn't in an away message it was at the bottom of my profile. Anyway he starts saying, "Yeah you probably told mad people," which I replied that I hadn't. No one asked what it meant. He says, "Yeah you probably did because I was just that good." If there's one thing I hate, it's arrogance. Especially coming from the boy who IMed me the next day after we had sex asking "Was I any good?"
We continued talking and he says, "We're kind of like fuck friends aren't we?" I felt this knot in the pit of my stomach that I still feel. That's not what I wanted.
I'm not a fan of random hook-ups (and when I say hooks ups I mean kissing in a bar or something) even though I sometimes have them, but sex is different. I always imagined sex to be special. I waited so long because I wanted my first time to be special...it wasn't. It was with a guy who made me think I was something special but all he wanted was to lose it. He didn't really care who. So I promised myself that the next time would be with someone who thought I was worthwhile...which I failed at again. I met Henry in February and we'd been hanging out all semester without doing anything. I waited til April when I thought I was ready to have sex again. It meant nothing to Henry, which became very apparent tonight.
I replied to Henry, "I don't know what we are." He says, "Well if you ever feel up to some sex, let me know." I felt so sick...I can't explain the feelings I felt when he said that...even if he was drunk. He continues, "You know you want to do it again as badly as I do." So I replied, "No we're not, I'm not inot the 'fuck buddy' thing." The only thing he says is "No more?" At that point I signed off. I felt so sick. The only thing I am to men is a piece of ass. They seem so nice to me at first...it's like I have no sort of discriminative ability between the jerks and the...well, semi-jerks. And the ones who want relationships are the ones who don't want me. Doogie, from first semester of sophomore year, is still dating Regina. She had sex with him the first week of meeting him. Me? I'll wait months and the guys will only want me for sex. I feel so sick and used...I'm so unhappy.
I stopped taking Lexapro because I thought I didn't need it anymore and could handle things myself...Apparently I can't. I can't stop crying...I got rejected by my research internships...i got rejected by Chris and used by Henry....I'm going back on it tomorrow. I'm so unhappy and even unhappier that I need medication ion order to feel somewhat normal. I don't know what else to say...I really feel like crying.....
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