Single Once Again 2/6/2004
I went out last Wednesday night for Mug Night (ten cent wings and beers baby) with my entire apartment for the first time all year. We bought three six packs of Smirnoff Apple Twisted...I think I had seven...or eight...I don't remember. I brought two with me too. Anyway, so me, Maria,Big, and Steph went to The Rat around ten or so to eat like 60 wings or so...we just kept ordering them because they were so damn good...and they were only ten cents each!! I was so happy..chillin with friends, knocking back drinks, just having a good time. Honestly, I couldn't done without the drinks and had a good time.
Steph and i don't actively fight, but we never really spoke to each other..I always felt like she didn't like me, This semester I've been having the best time with her though. She's just so nice to me now and we definitely have been talking more. Like last Sunday, she walks into my room with cake and cookies and offers me some. We ended up smoking up in Maria's room. Big wasn't there, and since the only reason I even got pulled into the apartment was because I was Big's friend, I always felt like an outsider. The three of them have been friends since high school and I've always felt a little odd just bouncing into Steph or Maria's room to hang out. So it was just really nice to be hanging out with them without Big there..I don't know, I felt like I fit in, which is a rare feeling for me. So it felt really great on Mug Night, having the four of us hang out together.
I saw Chris and his friends walk in but I didn't get up to say hi. I was having such a good time with the girls that I just wanted to hang out with them a little while longer. He came up behind me and grabbed my sides. We talked for a bit, and then my little, Erin, walked into the bar and came and said hi to me. I introduced her to Chris, and they started chatting for a bit.
We ended up hooking up in a corner and talking. He was making fun of his roommate, Mox, for still being a virgin. I made a comment like, "Hey I was a virgin until I was 21." (I really don't see the stigma attached to it. I'd rather be 21 and first having sex than be in middle school and lose it, like so many people I know). So he of course grins and says, "Not any more." Then he goes on to say, "Well it's different for guys. we lose it just to lose it." Oh. Well then. That sucks. Here I was thinking you had sex with me because you liked me and because you wanted it to be special. So I must've looked really hurt because he immediately knew he put his foot in his mouth. I told him that I needed to go and find my friends and I left. He came back over to me later and he apologized. The comment really stung though. It still stings. Why would you even say that to a girl, especially one who's your girlfriend, and especially the girlfriend you lost your virginity to??? We talked for a bit more afterwards, but I was still really upset by the comment. Then, he left with his friends and I went home.
I saw him that Saturday night, but he was so wasted with his friends he could barely stand. He introduced me to his suitemate Dashu. It pisses me off that I've been a part of his life for the past five months and he has yet to introduce me to his friends or suitemates while sober...or even invite me to his suite. Dashu started lecturing me on how great a guy Chris is. "He's the best boyfriend you will ever have," he kept telling me. Then he asked me why I never stop by the suite. (Because my 'great' boyfriend will only meet me in a bar while drunk...). I have a ton of respect for Dashu for standing up for one of his friends like that. But Dashu doesn't know what Chris is like as a boyfriend. And if Chris is the best boyfriend I will ever have, then I'd better quit while I'm ahead. Chris kept saying, "Elissa, I'm so drunk. I need to go home and go to sleep." I totally understand that when you're that drunk you don't want to go home with your girlfriend and hace sex. But, we never have sex. We had sex only that once, which only reinforces my belief that he simply was tired of being a virgin and I was just a willing body.
It was the last conversation I had with him as my boyfriend. I'm breaking up with him today. I IMed him on Wednesday night (two nights ago) asking him to meet me on campus. Me, Big, Tanya, and Tanya's kick ass roommate Stacy all went to The Rat for Mug Night. (Ten cent wings and beers--I'm not a fan of beer but the chicken wings are simply orgasmic). I was having a good time, just chillen with these really cool girls, and then I start seeing Chris's suitemates wandering around the bar, which meant he was probably there. I haven't spoekn to him all week, which has now become the norm for us. At first it was seeing him twice a week or so (one of these times being a date, and the other was usually just chillen in the bar) with everyday hour-long talks over IMs. Then he knocked off the dates unless I specifically asked him to go out on one with me. Then we stopped having our awesome late-night conversations over AIM. Now we simply don't speak during the week and he only talks to me while we're in a bar. And we're usually not sober. So, Wednesday night, he kisses me on the cheek and says, "I'll be around in the bar." Oh. Hm. Okay. So I was dancing on stage with my friends the rest of the night, trying to have a god time with these amazing girls, along with my little, Erin, who came out specifically because I asked her to, and all I could think about was him. Next year, Big, Tanya, and Stacy will be graduated and gone. I will have wasted the last semester that these girls are here thinking about a boy who very obviously doesn't give a damn about me.
The clincher of the decision was when I was about to leave. Chris left, without saying good-bye, and as I was leaving I saw one of his suitemates, John. He was kissing this girl from his floor, Sarah by the pool tables, where Chris and I would always used to hang out whe we met up at the Rat. I just stood there watching them, and remembered when I used to get kissed like that. But he used me, and it's over. There's no point in being with someone who doesn't care about me any more, or who never cared about me to begin with. It'll hurt like a bastard when I see him with another girl, as I'm sure I eventually will, but staying with him is a waste of my time.
So IMed him when I got back to the apartment. I cried the entire walk home, with Big holding me and trying to comfort me. I couldn't stop crying...everything just hurt so badly. I asked that we meet up somewhere on campus this week and he asked me what the deal was. I told him that "I think we should back off...we obviously have very different ideas as to what a relatonship is." Then I added, "I really don't want to discuss this over the computer." So he knows what's coming. I said that just so I couldn't back down when I met with him face to face. Last time I just said, "We need to talk." I had every intention of breaking it off, I had a huge discussion with my friends about it the night before. And then when I met up with him, I told him that my concerns about the way he was acting really weren't that important and I was overreacting. So basically, I blamed myself, he agreed that I should blame myself, and nothing changed.
I realized that I've become one of 'those girls.' The types of girls I hate, who complain about the relationship that they're in, but do nothing about it. And I've become one of them. And I hate that. So, I'm going to have some sort of a backbone for once in my life, tell him how I feel and that I want out. It sucks that he's putting me in this position. He's the one who obviously doesn't want this, so why doesn't he end it? It hurts so badly breaking up with a person that you adore and that you would've been willing to put so much work into the relationship, for the main reason that you believed he was worth all of it, and more. How do you break up with someone you still like? Guess I'm about to find out...
My next entry will be more interesting. We had a mixer with my favorite fraternity, the one we had the New Year's Eve party with...it was a great night and an awesome way to take my mind off of things.
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