Psychology of an Artist 1/3/2004
I’m sure that when many people read this, they’ll think I’m being flippant about cheating on Chris. I don’t think I am. I like him too much, and he doesn’t seem to like me enough. And although I don’t have the backbone to break up with him, I was actually hoping I could make myself stop liking him. The plan failed miserably. Ari is cool, but definitely not the type I’d date, or even hook up with. He’s hooked up with two of my friends (hooking up = kissing and whatnot, not sex, in case you were wondering…). He’s a total pothead, and although he’s a really nice guy, nothing would ever come out of it…so I flirt and we have fun, but that’s about it. Mo’s an absolute sweetheart, but the feeling just isn’t there. Besides, he didn’t talk to me the next morning, which says a lot about what he thinks about me. I just thought that if I was with another guy, feelings for Chris would go away. But they didn’t.
I was talking to Big last night and she said that I liked Chris too much. Which is true, but it’s not something I can help. Se also said to just let the relationship flow…which is fine, but I guess it’s hard for someone like me… But it’s hard not to be over-anxious about someone that you really like. I mean, he says all this sweet stuff to me when we’re together, and then has barely talked to me over break. But anyway…
I feel like I cheated on Chris in a subconscious way to fuck up our relationship. I feel like deep down, I feel as if it’s gonna end anyway, so what the hell…fuck it up now and get it over with. I’m not saying that that’s the right way to feel, but it’s how I feel…My mother once mentioned that it seemed as if I was so quick to break it off with him because I was scared of him breaking up with me…which I also believe.
I went to the psychologist today (finally). I basically told her everything that I had written in ‘Last Entry of 2003." She says that I’m over-critical of myself, since I kept referring to my problems as stupid. She wants me to get my thyroid checked out since thyroid problems can seriously disrupt your hormones, which can lead to emotional problems. However, she seemed concerned that I said that I’ve been over-anxious my entire life. Like, my entire chest would hurt when I was younger when Rebecca would stay really late after school…it’s like I could never be completely satisfied unless everyone was at home. Going through my old notes, so many people have said that I need to calm down…I know I need to calm down…I just can’t make myself do it. She suggested that I be referred to a psychiatric doctor so I can be evaluated to determine whether or not I need medication. She believes that behavioral therapy, which is what she provides, and medication, are the best routes to go. My next appointment is on Monday night, so we said we’d discuss it further
So basically, the whole point of this entry is to say that I’m a screwball…
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