Last Entry of 2003 12/30/2003
I hate it when you’re halfway through an entry and it gets accidentally deleted…
OK…So basically this break has been pretty uneventful. For Channukah my relatives came over to our house, we exchanged gifts, and stuffed ourselves silly. My presents this year were actually really good. The reason why I’m surprised is because normally my extended family has horrific taste in jewelery and clothing. This year though I got bracelets from my cousin Craig and his wife Jeannie, I got yet another watch from my cousin Melissa and her husband Charlie. Rebecca likes the watch and I like the charm bracelet she got, so we’re switching. My aunt and my grandmother both played it safe and got me gift certificates. My parents got me this brown jacket, which I’m still deciding whether I like or not, but they’ve agreed to pay for my spring break trip to Cancun, so I can’t complain.
I spoke to my mother last night about my speaking to a psychologist, and she agreed. My main problems seem to be that I’m over-anxious, I have severe mood swings, and I have a self-esteem problem. To me, the anxiety issue is the primary concern. I always have this distressed and worried feeling that I can’t shake, no matter what I do. Last year, when I signed the lease to the apartment I have now, instead of being happy that I’m living in a cool apartment, I started stressing over where I’d be living my senior year. I used to think that when I made lots of friends, I’d be happy…but now I have lots of friends and I’m still stressing…if they leave me out of something, or when we bicker, the feeling just gets worse. I always thought that when I had a boyfriend, I’d be happy…but I have Chris and if anything, I’m even more unhappy. I mean, he is too laid-back when it comes to putting effort into our relationship, but he’s not a bad person. I really don’t believe he does what he does because he’s trying to be malicious…he’s just lazy and inexperienced when it comes to girls. But I’m always stressing about our relationship, and that’s really just not healthy.
The mood swings I’ve had since I was little. Something will just get me into a bad mood and no matter what happens, I just won’t be able to get out of it. Then something stupid and insignificant happens, and I’m back to being fine. There are some days where I’m like "Oh living alone for my senior year won’t be that bad.." And then there are other days where I literally cry myself to sleep over it and I blame my friends for not asking me to live with them. I hate feeling like that….bouncing back and forth between one extreme and the other.
The last problem, and the one I think will be the hardest for me to get over, is my self-esteem. I don’t see myself as a worthwhile person, which is definitely a problem. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I feel as though even if I was 20 pounds lighter and had plastic surgery that I would still be unhappy with my appearance. Not only my appearance, my personality. I feel as though I’m too meek, too goofy, not sophisticated or mature enough to ever attract anyone. I remain in a relationship where I’m unhappy because I honestly believe that I can’t do better…I mean, this is my first real boyfriend…apparently, this is all I can get.
My mom has known about these problems for awhile and totally backs e about going to see a therapist. I mean, the therapist can’t do much because I’ll only be seeing her for two and a half weeks before I go back to school but maybe she can do something.
I feel even more bummed that I’m unhappy because this semester truly has been the best semester of my college career thus far. My social life kicked ass, I met Chris, I got a little sister through my sorority, I’m living with my best friend in an apartment that I love….so why am I still so unhappy??? I feel like I don’t even deserve the things I’m given because I don’t appreciate them. I mean, Chris did call me special that last night that we hung out, amongst other things. My little sister, Erin, is such a sweetheart…My apartment-mates are absolute slobs and they drive my crazy, but we do have fun smoking up in the infamous ‘smoking room’ and staying up late at night to watch ‘Sex and the City’ in Big’s room…I don’t know…why am I so miserable?
So yea…I’m hanging out with the Delta Iotas for New Years Eve. We’re going to this guy James house, who lives in Staten Island…He’s in Beta, a frat at Binghamton and half of my pledge class is friends with him. I have no clue as to who he is, but I got invited anyway. I’m taking a train to Penn Station tomorrow, and from there I’m taking another train to Jersey to meet up with Erin, my pledge sister. I’m hanging out in NJ for awhile, then Erin is driving me to SI, where we’re meeting up with the rest of the DI’s for dinner before we go to James party. Should be fun…
It’s so weird to think yet another year has gone by…and so much stuff has happened this year, especially towards the end of it…
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