It's Over 12/2/2003
So, today is my last day as Chris's girlfriend. My next entry about him will be my last. That's how I get over people that hurt me; I keep myself insanely busy so I don't have time to think, and I completely erase the person out of my life. I (try) not to think about them, I don't talk about them, I sure as hell don't talk to that person, and basically try and pretend like they never existed. Which sucks, because I still like him. But anyway....
I had planned to not IM or call him for a week to see ig he would even initiate a conversation with me any more. But I'm an impateint person and a control freak and I don't like not knowing what's going on. He IMed me "Hey babe, how was the trip back?" on Sunday night and we had a short and uninteresting conversation (mostly carried on by me) until my computer continuously logged me off for the next two hours. Monday we didn't speak all day even though both he and I had no away messages up. I IMed him on Monday night (last night) because I couldn't take not knowing any more. I asked him if he had any free time on Wednesday to talk to me, and he told me he'd be looking at houses around 5ish. I told him to call me when he was finished and he said sure. End of conversation. He didn't bother to continue it and I was tired of trying to make him talk to me. If he's bored of me, then so be it. I won't beg.
I took him off my buddy list and called my friend Danielle and cried to her about the situation. She told me stuff to make me put things in perspective. She told me about her boyfriend of two years who dumped her several times (one time while she was pregnant with his kid and had to have an abortion). Chris used me for sex, and it sucks, but things could be worse. That, and I do have amazing friends who are willing to help me out.
Chris IMed me at 3 am asking if something was wrong. I admitted to him that I was going to ask him the same question on Wednesday. I told him how I was upset since we don't talk,. don't hang out, and haven't had sex in a month. He simply replied that "this sounds like it'll be an important conversation, and I'm exhausted, so why don't we wait til wednesday?" If it's so important, you fuck, why don't you rearrange your twelve-credit schedule so we can talk about this instead of wasting even more of my time?? So I said, "Well, I figured that maybe you wanted out but didn't want to tell me." He replies, "It's not like that." No? OK then tell me what the hell is going on....So I said, "Look, you may think you're preventing my feelings from getting hurt by not telling me what's going on, but they're getting hurt anyway by you not telling me and making me guess." So he says, "Nothing got resolved the last time we talked...but we do need to talk." No shit? Really? Good job, I didn't know that.....How can you like someone and hate them at the same time?
So I have three theories. 1--He lost interest but didn't want to tell me. 2--He likes someone else and didn't want to tell me. 3--He's going to give me some speech that he still likes me, but doesn't want a relationship. My bet's going to Theory #1, with Theory #3 as a close second...I knew I'd lose my virginity to him the by first week I knew him, and I know now that we're going to break up. Last night I was a wreck, but now I'm calmer. I guess I've just accepted it, and I'm trying to keep myself busy with finals. Thoughts of our one night together keep running through my head, and I keep trying so hard to push them out....I hate him for making me feel used and miserable. I hope to anything holy that I don't cry tomorrow. I plan on being short, curt, and then walking away, right after I hurl at least one insult at him.
I guess this is good that this happened before a long break, so I don't have to see him for awhile. but going to the club, The Rat, where I met him, and where he always hangs out is going to suck. I feel like wretching when I think of him with another girl. My friends love that place and always go there, so I know that the uncomfortable encounter between he and I at that club is bound to happen. I actually plan on going out less next semester and simply keeping myself busy, pulling my grades back up again, and putting stuff on my resume. My friend Danielle told me to get involved in student government with her and I'm applying for an internship and a tutoring position at the Child Development Center on campus. I don't know what else to do besides keep myself from falling asleep and dreaming miserable dreams and keeping myself as busy as humanly possible.
Tomorrow is exactly two months that I met Christopher at The Rat. It's sad how much changes in two months....
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