Miserable 11/29/2003
I left on Wednesday afternoon without saying good-bye to Chris. He actually asked me to have lunch with him on Tuesday, which I did. The lunch at Susquehanna Room went OK.l I tried to remain cheerful, but he wouldn't hold my hand, or touch me, or make me feel like any more than his friend or something. I mentioned, more than once, that I had no class until 2:50, knowing he didn't have class until 4:25. He even told me he didn't plan on going to the class. We met at 12:30, and our lunch was over by a little after one. So we had almost an hour and a half to hang out, fool around, whatever. Anything to spend time together. Know what he says to me? "Where are you parked, I'll walk you to your car." I insisted on walking him back to his dorm, thinking maybe he'd get the hint. Nope. He gives me a kiss like a kiss you'd give your mother and says. "I'll talk to you on-line or something, OK?" That night around 1 he drunkenly IMed me to say that he had gotten wasted with his suitemates and that "if he didn't talk to me over the break to have a good Thanksgiving." Did he not expect or want to talk to me?? We wouldn't see each other for a week, I was hoping for a "I'll call/IM you over break" or even better, "I'll miss you." When I IMed him back "OK..." he caught on that I was pissed and wrote back "Gimme a call, I'll leave me cell phone on." And then added, "Or I'll call you." He did actually call sometime on Wednesday night to say have a happy thanksgiving, but when I called him back he never returned the call. Befrore when he was on-line, he didn't IM me and put up an away message before I could IM him. How do you end a relationship when you still really, really like the person.....?
I never felt like such crap in my life. I waited twenty one years for absolutely nothing. I probably should've just lost it on a one-night stand or something...it would not have hurt as much. I feel so fucking used it's incredible. I can't even write in here any more, because I can't help looking at the past entries, remembering how blissfully happy I was. I keep thinking that maybe Fate, or the Powers That Be, or God, or whoever, keeps setting me up for disappointment for a reason. To make me a stronger person or something. Or, my recent theory was, to help make me more appreciative when something good comes along, which is how I used to feel about Christopher. I don't feel wiser or stronger...I feel used and even more unhappy with my life.
I don't even know what happened. When I went to Cornell on the 14th, he admitted to calling me twenty times and leaving two voice messages on my phone. At date party two days later, he kept calling me 'his girl.' And Last Friday at The Rat...But his actions obviously speak louder then his words, when he won't even return my phone calls or IM me any more. He apparently just wanted to lose his virginity and gain the bragging rights of not being a virgin any more. I feel sick that I didn't even see it coming....I feel sick in general and worse than ever. My first actual boyfriend used me for sex and tired of me within a month. Becca says to not let boys qualify my self-worth, but I can't help it...I already talked to my mother about letting me go to her psychologist over winter break...I can't fight these feeling of depression any more and the weight of what I allowed him to do to me is killing me.
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