Sweet November 11/8/2003
The night started off with me going out to the Olive Garden with Lauren, Nicole, and Erin for Christine's birthday dinner. It was fun, we spent a good two hours talking and waiting for our damned food to arrive. We left around nine o'clock to get ready to go downtown. Chris had IMed me (in a response to my earlier IM, telling him to let me know if he was going out) that he wasn't oing out because he was poor and no-one else was going out. I was disappointed because I was going home that weekend, and my Monday's were hell, so I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for a few days. I simply told him, "OK, have a great weekend and I'll see you next week." He was so sweet...I IMed me back, "Oh man I really wanted to hang out with you. Call/IM me when you get back."
As I was getting dressed to go out with my friends my cell rang, and it turned out to be Chris. "Change of plans," he said. "I'm going out tonight. Me and my friends are going out to Tony's." So I said fine and that I'd probably see him downtown at some point during the night. I told him I didn't know where me and my friends were going that night, which was a lie; I knew we were going to The Rat, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to meet him downtown or not. Besides, I didn't want to seem too eager. Anyway, so Erin picked me up and we did a liquor run before heading to Christine's. I did about two shots of 99 Apples while I watched Christine play Asshole with her boyfrind and his friends at his apartment. Watching Christine with her boyfriend Paul made me realize how much I really liked Chris and how much I wanted to be more than his hook-up buddy.
We headed downtown, with Lisa driving since she was designated driver. The Rat was alright. We got there around 11:30 and since it was a Thursday night, the bar closed at one, which sucked. By the time you got a good buzz going, you'd have to go home. Since I had about two dollars to my name, I didn't buy any drinks at the bar and the two shots I had taken before did nothing for me.
I was just having fun with my friends when I decided to call Chris. he was still at Tony's and told me he'd be t the Rat in a few minutes. I felt bad, not wanting him to feel like he was at m beck and call so I told him to not worry about it and that if I didn't see him this weekend that he should have fun and I'd see him next week. He kept saying "No no, I was going to go there anyway." I was standing with my friends in the bar when he came up to me a few minutes later. He told me he'd been looking all over for me, which made me feel really, really happy. I introduced my nearby friends to him and we just bs'ed for awhile. Corinne, who came out to the bar with some guy, bounced up to Chris and exclaimed, "Are you Chris??" I felt dumb because I didn't want him to think I told all of my friends about him, even though that's exactly what I did. Corinne introduced herself, and the guy she was with, and then left as quickly as she had come. "What, am I infamous or something," he asked with a smile. "She was with me the night we hooked up," I explained. (Which was true). we talked for a little while longer until Lauren bounced up to us and introduced herself to Chris. They made small chat for awhile and then Chris and I continued talking about our night.
Then, Chris's best friend and roommate John came up to us. The second I saw him I immediately recognized him as one of the people I used to hang out with last year when I was in the dorms. I really, really had wanted to hook up with John last year, but my friend at the time, Diane, also really liked John and ended up hooking up with him on the bus back to campus. I occasionally talked to him afterward, but nothing special. A few weeks afterward he once came up to me at the same bar and asked,"Did I ever hook up with you?" I said no, and we got into some random conversation, and then that was the last time I really saw him. It actually made me feel really good when Chris kept asking, "Ooh my God, did you hook up with John?" When I told him no, but then asked what would he do if I did. (After all, this all took place a year ago, before I even knew Chris). He said he would not have shown it, on the outside, but on the inside he would've been really mad. I asked him if he was a jealous person and he nodded. It made me feel good that he liked me enough to be jealous.
It was so nice just talking to him. He was leaning against the wall in his gray fleece and I was leaning into him with my arm on his and his arm around my waist. My friends decided to go to Tony's, which is the bar he had just come from. I felt bad making him go back to Tony's, without his friends and having to pay to get back in. I would've felt even worse had I left him in the bar when I knew one of the reasons he had come there was for me. So I stayed, even though that now meant that I would be basically alone in the bar, with the exception of Chris. He told me he felt really bad that I left my friends for him. I replied that he'd done the same for me so many times. He kept telling me that he really appreciated it. I asked him what happened to him not going out. He told me that one of his friends loaned him $20...I felt so bad...I told him,"You know you would've just seen me next week or something had you not seen me tonight." He replied, "But I wanted to see you." I replied, "But you saw me yesterday at breakfast and again that night we went to the movies." So he says, "What, so I can I see you you again?" God I love that smile of his....
The lights in the bar came on, signaling that the bar was closing and it was time to go. I was unsure of what to do next...I didn't know if he wanted to come back with me or not. He took my hand and led me upstairs where his friend John was waiting outside.He said good-bye to John which told me that he was coming back with me. It kind of pissed me off in a way that he was always the one to decide if he was coming back or not...I mean, he didn't even ask.
It was so cold on the walk home back...I had a light sweater with me but I just remember practically shaking the entire time. Chris held my hand the entire walk back. He told me again how much he appreciated me staying in the Rat with him, and that I was one of the coolest girls he knew. He told me that I was unlike any girls he'd ever met...I was beginning to be unsure if he meant this or not since a lot of it sounded so cliche. I'm trying to be optimistic about this boy though so I've just decided that he just isn't creative enough to come up with an original come-on line...but who knows, maybe he actually meant it. We talked about when we first met and how glad he was that I IMed him back. He then asked me about my profile, and how it said "Nov 16--Date Party--and I have the hottest date!" He said that he was pretty pissed off when he read that and asked me what was going on. I told him that Big's boyfriend had backed out at the last minute and that Big asked me to be her date so she wouldn't have to go alone. So technically, Big is my date, and that whole thing about 'having the hottest date' was a joke between me and her. "Good," he says. "I would be really offended if you took someone else."
We got back to my apartment, where, luckily, no one was awake. I was goofing around on my computer while Chris was in the bathroom. I decided that the best thing to do was watch a movie in the living room for awhile. I was cuddled up against him for while until he went to the bathroom. I stole his fleece while he was in there and then continued to cuddle with him when he came back. My head was in his lap when he looked down at me and said with that awesome smile "Come here." He leaned over to kiss me, and that was the last I saw of the movie. We arranged ourselves to he was on top of me. Then I ended up straddling him on the couch...his fleece came off and his hands were rubbing my chest. He whispered, "Do you want to go into your room?" and I agreed..
While on top of me, he asked, "So…you wanna have sex?" Not exactly the most romantic way to proposition me, but hey…it’s Chris. I took off his shirt and then I took off mine. I rolled on top of him where he tried to take off my bra. Failing miserably, I decided to take it off myself. I’d never gotten to this point with a guy and I started to get really nervous…almost to the point of being sick. I tried to take off his pants, but then I failed miserably, so he did it himself. Once I felt his erection against my thigh I just flipped out. I saw a vision of me, the next morning, with a "Dear John (or in this case, Jane)" letter next to my bed. I’m so terrified of having a one night-stand, and here we're about to have sex and we haven't even established what kind of relationship we both want. I flipped out about this becoming a one-night stand.
Chris was actually very cool about the entire thing. He saw that I was upset and stopped immediately. "OK, OK," he says, "let’s stop and just talk." I mean, what guy does that??? Most guys would be fucking pissed off at me. I just started flipping out to him that I didn’t want a one night-stand. He was so sweet…"Elissa, you know me. I’m not that type of guy and this won’t be a one night-stand.." He kissed me for awhile and then we just continued.
He had a hard time (no pun intended) finding my vagina. Honestly, this wasn’t rocket science…I was trying to help him, but the whole affair took about 15 minutes until he figured it out. He kept asking, "Is it in? Is it in?" Chris, honey, if you have to ask if it’s in, then obviously, it’s not… He’s a good boy, but not too swift. He tried to get me to be on top, but that wouldn’t have been the easiest way to deflower me either. He rolled back on top and tried for a few more minutes. I couldn’t do anything except laugh. I assured him I wasn’t laughing at him, I was laughing at the situation. We have to be the only college coeds who wanted to have sex, but couldn’t because we were both too stupid to figure out the mechanics of it. I made the comment,"Two virgins should never happen to each other."
When he finally figured it out, I think he was so excited that he literally rammed himself into me. The pain was worse than anything than I had imagined, and I’d like to believe I have a pretty good pain tolerance. I screamed and curled up into a ball…Not exactly the romantic deflowering I had dreamed about…He kept apologizing, which made me feel worse. Still in pain, I let him try again although this time I cringed when he did. He was much gentler this time, but it still fucking hurt. I kept telling him to go slow, but he didn’t. I don’t know, I guess for the guy, the first time feels so good that they’re too wrapped up in it to think about anything else. The pain abated after a few minutes and then it just became a dull ache. The first time definitely sucks for girls.
Chris’s hands were on either sides of my shoulders, and his head was up, facing my headboard. I kind of wished he kissed me more or held my hand or something. Although it was very hot to listen to him moan "Oh Elissa" and "This feels so good." If he had thought that the sex sucked too I would’ve felt even worse. He asked me, "Does it feel good to you?" I lied and told him that the pain was going away and that it was starting to feel good. I mean, it did feel good, but he had a condom on, which I heard doesn’t really let you feel anything. That and the fact (this is so crude) he kept falling out of me. His thrusts were too big, and he kept slipping out. So every few minutes the thrusts would stop and he’d fumble for awhile until he entered me again. He has about as much sexual knowledge as I do (did), so I really can’t blame the guy. It felt like we were having sex for awhile and I was starting to wonder when it would end. I mean, I really did like having sex with him, but I was in pain and the thrusts weren’t helping. I whispered, "What the hell, did you take Viagra or something?" I mean, all the other times he could barely stay hard for more than a minute or two, and now he’s like the damn Energizer Bunny. He came finally, but I wouldn’t feel it because of that stupid fucking condom.
He rolled off, and left the room for while to get rid of the condom. I was laying in bed thinking, "Dude…he couldn’t at least waited a few minutes before he threw it out..? I mean, here I just lost my virginity to the guy, and the first thing he does is roll off and leave. I rolled onto my side and began to cry. To this day I wished we had wait, even if it was a few days, to have sex. We rushed into it, without establishing what we wanted from each other, or without regard to emotional consequences.
Luckily it was dark so when he came back into my room he didn’t see me wiping off my face. He asked me if this was how I imagined my first time and if I had any regrets. ‘No,’ to the first question, for several reasons, and ‘yes’ to the second. I knew if I told him that I had regrets, it’d break his heart (because he really is a good guy) so I lied and told him the opposite answers. The rest of the night was actually ten times better than the sex itself. We stayed up and talked about everything. He noticed that there was a lack of blood and asked me about it. He said he felt like he didn’t ‘pop my cherry’ (which is the crudest term imaginable). I lied again and told him he did with the first thrust. Which was only a partial lie…he did break the hymen, but not during sex. The first time he ever fingered me, there was blood the next morning when I went to the bathroom. It was days before my period…That’s why it hurt so much when he first fingered me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he broke my hymen with his fingers, so I lied. We were lying next to each other in bed, and he just kept kissing me everywhere. "Do you mind if I just keep kissing you?" he whispered. He kept massaging my chest, he gave me tons of butterfly kisses, which made me feel better about us having sex. I felt that if this was going to be a one night-stand, he would’ve just rolled over and gone to bed, no?
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