Firsts... 10/16/2003
We totally messed up my couch. He was leaning against the back of my couch while I was sitting in his lap...He's such a big guy, but he lets me be in control. And he's so fucking gentle...even when he is on top he puts his entire weight in his arms so he doesn't hurt me. At one point he was trying to move me off him to get into this weird position. Like, he was trying to get us on our sides or something. Finally I whispered, What do you want me to do?" He directed me into into this position on my back where he was on his side and he proceeded to put his hand down my pants. I was shocked....I mean, I've never done that before. It felt kinda good, but it also hurt. Toni told me today that girls are 'tight' in that area and need to be broken in in order for that to feel good. The next morning when I went to the bathroom there was traces of blood. I don't have my period right now, so I'm wondering if he broke my hymen. That's sort of fucked up...losing your virginity to someone's fingers....So yea…at this point I’m really nervous to have sex if he can hurt me with just his fingers. I wriggled away after awhile because it hurt too much and we simply resumed kissing. He was on top of me when he whispered, "What do you want to do?" I knew exactly what he meant but wasn’t sure how to respond, so I tried to buy more time by asking,"What do you mean?" He repeated the question, which forced to reply. I started stammering, saying I didn’t want to have sex and that I was sorry…I felt like such an ass. He was really cool about I though and was like, "No no, don’t apologize, don’t be sorry."
I think at one point he was falling off the couch because like I said, he’s a big guy and it’s a pretty small fucking couch. So we went into my room and by this point I’m flipping out but desperately trying to look nonchalant. We were on my bed, kissing, when he started rubbing my groin before he slipped his hand down my pants again. This time it felt a little better…I felt dumb moaning but it was almost like I couldn’t help it…it still hurt so I whispered to him, "Not so hard, OK?" He kept going and it still hurt…I’m hoping I get used to it or something. I kept tugging on his shirt, hoping he’d get the hint and take it off but he didn’t…I was too shy to ask him. He had to leave my room twice…I can only guess why he had to leave…I felt like a bastard for teasing him but I would’ve been really pissed at myself had I agreed to have sex when I really didn’t want to.
Towards he end of our hooking up session, I laid my head on his chest for awhile…it was so comfortable….I apologized for teasing him which he said, "No no don’t worry about it." I can’t believe he’s for real…he’s so cool….
I rolled off of him and we spent the rest of the night talking. We talked bout religion, our families, my sorority, my year at Syracuse…just the most random things. It was about five in the morning when I finally admitted to him that I was tired. He was so cute…he apologized for keeping me awake…Before we went to sleep he was like, "Wanna spoon?" I felt too much like of an ass to ask what ‘spooning’ means. I agreed, kind of wanting to find out. Apparently, spooning is simply a guy putting his arm and leg around you in bed. I kind of liked that actually. Not sure why it’s called spooning though…To me, that’s cuddling, but whatever…
I felt so sick that night…I kept coughing…I think I have tuberculosis or something….At one point Chris asked me if I was OK…I felt so stupid…but for the rest of the night I kept waking up. I liked having Chris so close but I couldn’t sleep…I feel like I started something I can’t finish.
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