Divorce Cont'd 7/30/2003
I sat at the top of the stairs and listened to everything. He went upstairs and slammed the bedroom door. My mother came in my room for awhile and stayed with me to watch t.v. Then she went to sleep in John's room. My father came out of their room and yelled at my mom some more, so as soon as he left, I went in John's room to sleep with her. I just couldn't leave her alone. When she was upstairs with Becca, John and I earlier, telling us what was going on, she made a half-hearted jest: "I wish I could just take my car and run myself into a Mack truck."That comment keeps running through my head, especially last night, so I spent the night in John's room with my mom. I slept terribly; it was a tiny bed, it was horrendously hot, and people kept coming in. My father came in at one point and demanded to know when she was making the appointment to see someone. John came in at another point to check on my mom and had a short conversation with her. She's terrified we're going to grow up and hate her, or leave her, or both.
Last night I flipped out about her leaving me and now I almost want her to. My father adored my mother and would tell it to anyone who would listen. He's a hard-working guy, and although flawed himself, really loves his family. Why would she intentionally screw that up? And when I asked her that she said she didn't know. It's so unspeakably frustrating to have your family destroyed by a person who doesn't know what their reason was in the first place. Since last night I've just become increasingly bitter. It's happened three times before, and my father kept giving her chances to knock it off...why didn't she go and see a psychologist then??? Why didn't she try and fix things before they got to this point??? And on the other hand, I'm mad at my father. Why didn't he keep a closer eye on my mother or make her go see a psyhologist when she first started having problems??
My mother just walked in here. I lied and told her I was looking up PA schools. She told me to stay focused and keep on the PA track. She told me she'd give me a car when I graduated that way I could get to NYIT. NYIT, a school close to my house and a school I was seriously considering, has a PA program, and also a Doctor of Osteopath (DO) program I'd like to eventually get into...originally I wanted to come home after I graduate Bing and go to PA or graduate school here. But home is starting to feel less and less like a home and the appeal of coming back to LI after I graduate has seriously dimmed. I don't want to be here if only parts of my family are still living here. Then she says, "Don't worry, Lissy, (my nickname) I'll sleep in your bed tonight." I don't want her in my bed tonight. To tell you the truth I don't want to be near a woman who ruins families for no apparent reason. I'm so angry at both my parents now...so resentful....
Divorce brings me to another question--what happens with holidays and school vacations and birthdays? Where do I go? How do I decide which parent to spend what amount of time with? I work so much during the summer, and especially next summer where I have to complete 50+ hours per week of volunteer work...I don't want to be bounced from house to house when I'm back from school...I don't want to have to make these kinds of decisions. I'm so miserable and scared and depressed that I feel I could just run back to school simply fueled on hatred and terror.
While on www.review.com, the website I lied about looking up PA schools on, I actually found a discussion board about divorce. The thread was simply called, "My parents are getting divorced." I remember seeing it days ago when I really was looking up PA schools. It's ironic but I used to look down on people who had divorced parents. Not looked down on them really but looked at them like I person would look at another person in a car accident. You'd feel bad for them, but always assumed in the back of your head that it could never happen to you. Anyway, i decided to copy, edit, and paste some of the discussion since some of the replies were just really funny and others just kinda made me think.
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