I think I just had…what is everyone calling them…An epiphony? I think I’ll use the words, “wake up call” last night.
I have been steadily gaining weight since college (like 10 + years ago) so it hasn’t been that much of a shock to me. Even though now I feel like it should. And yes, I have realized it. No, I haven’t liked it, but apparently not so much that I wanted to change. I take it back. I did want to. I just didn’t want it BAD ENOUGH it seems so I never really pushed myself.
Well. After last night. THAT. PUSHING. STARTS. NOW.
I have gained so much weight everywhere, my hand was actually falling asleep while trying to write this in a journal. (lucky you, that means I switched to typing, and now all of you get some wanted/unwanted information =P).
Anyways, I can’t believe that I have gotten this bad. I PROMISE not to body shame, sadly I have tried this technique (along with every other diet related way of trying to kick my ass into gear).
So last night, I put my pajamas on, noticed I have gained weight, just like every other day of my life, but this time I feel different. I happened to be walking by my sliding glass door, it was nighttime so you could see the reflection, and I looked like I was 9 months pregnant. No matter how much I tried to “suck it in” it wouldn’t work. I weight 237, which is a lot for me when my height is 5 foot 4. I weighed 145 in college. I always wanted to get down to 130, which is apparently my ideal weight.
All I wanted to do was sit on the floor and cry. I didn’t want my husband to see. Or my toddler. I felt so horrible and disgusting.
Now I know why I need my Bipap machine…now I know why I’m uncomfortable when I sleep because my weight pushes up on my neck, shoulders, etc. Now I know why I’m sore all of the time, and just UTTERLY FATIGUED.
I can’t do this anymore. And I refuse to continue.
I am HORRIBLE at commitment.
But I know that with this motivation, I can do this.
I’m going to start adding my foot to this as well to keep track, because when I do it on an app, it seems I like to cheat it.
Maybe knowing that people out there could potentially be reading this, it will help with my accountability.
I have to do this.
Wish me luck.
Today is going to be a rough day.
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