I’ll never stick with this. I’ve tried. it worked for a few years in the early 2000s…mainly because there were other people reading, and so I felt more compelled to write. If there’s no one out there – and there’s not; there shouldn’t be – it’s hard telling how much effort will be put into this or how long I will keep using it.
In a perfect world, it would be continual. In a perfect world, I will use this to channel my emotions about life and things and situations. And it will help. Because, let’s face it, I need an outlet. I need an outlet desperately. Pen to paper isn’t really working right now. And I think that’s mostly because of taking notes and keeping a lab book and writing, writing, writing… I’m so sick of all of it. I used to write for fun. I used to take pleasure in a blank notebook and thick, scrawled lines of ink. Now it just seems like a chore.
I need help though. I need help. And this seems like the only way to get it. This seems like the only way to “work out” my feelings and my issues in a place where I can be free with them. Let’s be real – other people get sick of hearing about shit. Other people are unreliable and don’t want to be bothered with someone else’s problems. There are only so many times that one can bear their soul to another person and for that person to feel empathy/sympathy or patiently listen and offer advice.
Of course, there’s no advice to be offered here. This is essentially talking to a blank wall. (Or talking to myself…which I tend to do anyway…) But getting things off one’s chest must be cathartic in some fashion. At least, it used to be…and I’m hoping to find that again.
The funny thing is, I’m not nearly this morose in “real life.” I can be a bit negative sometimes, but generally I try to be good-natured and even-tempered. And it mostly works… but I’ve always had this issue of letting things build up inside me. I bottle my feelings with ferocity, and that leads to becoming overwhelmed with them. I don’t know how else to do it though.
So in lieu of therapy – which as a grad student, I cannot afford – I find myself here.
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