Day one in Hidden depression

Im not suicidal id never try to kill myself.. Again. Ive tried once. Popped a bunch of pills and only woke up only feeling higher than a kite and like a failure. I mean fuck i couldnt even get killing myself right. But im not suicidal anymore but i dont think there’s a day i haven’t thought that me not living would be better for myself and everyone around me. I know these are just my thoughts of depression but i cant help but feel as if its true. I feel i dont belong i have no special skills i cant do much besides trying to attempt a shitty clumsy shit show of life.
I live with silent depression and anxiety and i couldnt really tell you why i dont talk about my mental illnesses other than i cant physically speak about them its so hard for me to word how im feeling and why. I want so badly to speak out about whats going on for me and to get myself help but i know i wont be able to communicate my problems so i came here in hopes that even if no one ever reads ill have a healthy way to express myself. This for me is a big step and hopefully someday i can actually talk to someone about my mental illness. So please if youd like join me on this bumpy as hell journey. Enjoy.