1-16-18 in General

It’s a little after 8 in the morning and I should’ve gone back to sleep. I start what should’ve been my final semester of college tomorrow, but I really don’t want to go back. And that’s sad, isn’t it? I mean I’m in college for a career I’ve been wanting to be a part of since I was 14, and yet now at 21 I dread going back to classes and dealing with the teachers and stress. Maybe it’ll be better whenever I finish school and actually start working in my field. If I ever get there, if I stay there. I hope I made the right decision. I’ve had no other dream since high school and now. I hate going to class. I hate half of what I’m supposed to go get licenced for to the point that I still haven’t completed a class that everyone else has done (though in reality I had a family member crisis that kept rising that prevented me from doing a lot, but still). It doesn’t help that I have everyone telling me they can’t wait to be there for my graduation, which I’ve now pushed back until Dec 2018, or me getting licenced because of how great I’m supposed to be. All the expectations and ideas pushed on me make me feel so terrible and push myself into a hole I can’t climb out of. Like the reason for me graduating a semester late is because of how I deal with things. I have depression and anxiety. I stress over everything and with my classes anything below a B basically is a failing grade, so it’s obvious to how that might work against my mental health. By me pushing back the one class that could potentially cause me great stress and pain, I’m delaying my graduation. So I’m saving myself with that but now I feel like a failure because I’m not graduating on time. That’s not to say anyone else agrees with me; family, friends, my boyfriend, all say as long as I end up finishing regardless of how long it takes, I’ve done my job and did good. But I just don’t feel it. So yeah, that about does it for college talk..