i keep eating crap instead of healthy food and counting calories. need to stop that. it’s difficult when we don’t have groceries. i ate too much today.
a couple days ago i relapsed with my bulimia. i wish i hadn’t but then again i was instantly relieved. i want to do it again, but i won’t. i’m going to try hard not to. it’s something i’ve struggled with for 6 years now, and i haven’t had one single year that i haven’t given in to the urge.
i need to resist the urge by counting calories. it’s hard not to fall into old habits again, though. either binge eating or starving myself. i have such an awful relationship with food. i wish i could change, it’s so difficult though. i’ve had this problem since i was little. everyone would call me fat. at the age of 8 my mother would warn me that if i kept eating i would be fat and nobody would find me attractive. a couple of years later my parents would tell me to diet.
soon after i would start taking laxatives in secret. when i was 11. nothing got better after that. everything in my life revolved around food. i guess it still does. i have to stop. i need to. i’m going to try harder tomorrow.
today i went back to work because we had to clean the whole shop and now i have a rash on my hands from an allergic reaction to cleaning products. tomorrow i might have to go in despite monday being an off day for me. i really hope they don’t call me in, it’s so stressful. people always ask if i like my job, and i really don’t know.
i love doing hair but i really hate having to have conversations with strangers. i’m not wired to be constantly social. it’s exhausting. but i guess it’s not the worst thing ever. i’ve had worse jobs. i enjoy the people i work with. i’m just…tired, i guess. it’s depressing how unmotivated i am lately. not sure how to change it.
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