A good example of how my weeks typically start up in my head:

When I woke up today, 3 distinctly different versions of life played through my head.

(1) Regret: I considered what things were like One Year Ago. I was working out of Tiny Town… a county so small it had no Walmart, had no McDonalds, no Starbucks… no retail locations of any kind. The isolation of the community was driving my wife and I absolutely insane. And there is no denying or mitigating the truth of that. But I was a prosecutor, as I had wanted to be… I was making $60,000. Yes, the community size was driving us completely batty but the work part of my life was something that I could deal with, especially as Ran took over.

(2) Hope: I considered what I would have preferred doing; what I would be doing if I had quit (or taken a “leave of absence from”) my present job. Instead of waking up at 5:30 am to unbury my car in -20 degree weather… I would have slept until 7:00. I would have unburried Wife’s car, made us both a bit of breakfast, and sent her on her way at 8:00 a.m. Then I would have gotten back in bed and slept until my body pain/exhaustion had ebbed. I would have gotten out of bed, cleaned the house and finished the laundry/ironing. I would have begun a slow roast recipe for dinner and done 30 to 60 minutes worth of exercising. I would read the book Wife has been asking me to read, followed by the “Complaint Free World” book I’ve been meaning to read. I would have played a bit of old Video Games and collected the packages arriving at the Apartment Office. When Wife came home, I’d have had dinner ready and we could enjoy each other’s company a bit before having to go to bed.

(3) Acceptance: Ultimately, I faced my reality. I got my incredibly tired self out of bed, showered, skipped breakfast, and went out to the car to unbury the car in -20 degree weather. Drove it to the office where the immediate sense of “screw this” hung heavy in the air. The day is expected to be, as typical, full of absolute dross. Stressful, hateful dross. Where the Chinese Boss will continue to inform me that I don’t live up to Chinese Standards of Excellence. Where anything and everything I know and any hope of learning something new will be quashed by repeated examples of how I don’t do the job well enough but the firm won’t fire me because they know how few people would accept this position, especially at $30,000 a year. All to be capped off by one more of my many firm-related but not firm-paid-for responsibilities where I am required to “infiltrate” a local community group in an effort to produce more business. This will likely be followed by a trip to the liquor store before returning home 1 or 2 hours after Wife (making my day a 12 hour day and hers an 8 hour day; where I am paid less than she… me an attorney, her a Wal Mart associate). If we’re lucky, we’ll have dinner and an hour in front of the television before we have to go to bed and experience this same joy the next day.

So that’s how I start my morning. Regret, Hope, and Acceptance. The hope portion sounds damned lovely and is so tempting but.... I was a Prosecutor from April 2016 to April 2017. I quit, as I’ve mentioned, because the community was isolated and almost entirely devoid of life. I signed the contract with my current firm in February of 2017 and started working here in April 2017. Technically, I’ve been working here for 9 1/2 months. But it has already been long enough to thoroughly convince me… I don’t like being a Private Lawyer. I hate working for the Chinese. It feels like a betrayal to my identity and values to be a Criminal Defense Lawyer. But… I can do this job. Not well, apparently. And it certainly isn’t a benefit to my mental/physical health nor, in fact, my pocket book. But I wonder and the constant questioning adds stress.... If I quit, then will it look like I’m too much of a flake to be hired by a place I’d actually want to work? If I quit, will a job I actually want ever come available? If it did, would I even have a chance at getting the job? If I don’t quit, will this job help me get to where I want to be or will working for the Chinese and Defense make me an unattractive candidate to American Government Prosecution? If I don’t quit, will I have the energy and the passion for the law/life enough to succeed in an interview?

Nothing like questioning everything every morning to make an unpleasant situation even more stressful.

EDIT 1

Holy crap. The drain of the bullshit totally made me forget: TODAY IS A HOLIDAY! Meaningless for me, right now, but re-examining the above? Yeah. Forget everything from Tiny Town because if I was still a prosecutor; it would be a holiday. So… whether I was in Tiny Town or Quit… I would be able to treat today like a day without work. The only above scenario that involves me waking up early, unburying a car, and dealing with anything is the one I am currently living in. All other possibilities above would be… extra sleep, reading, video games, being a good husband. Mother pooping bakamono tyran!

EDIT 2

This… may be tricky. I think our lease expires in June or July. I think, if I am still working at Firm then, that may be a good time to give resigning serious consideration. I told myself I would not stay here for another Christmas. Unless something huge changes between now and then, I think I mean that enough to stick by it. Though, I also think that would be a good time to do our Vacation. My wife and I celebrate our 7th Wedding Anniversary on July 2nd. I think it would be appropriate to take a 7 day vacation for our 7th Wedding Anniversary and (as it is around July 4th) go to New York for USA Today’s Number One Rated Fireworks Show. While there, we could check out some of the Broadway Musicals that I’ve been meaning to catch and really want to show the Wife. We could do sightseeing, museum hopping… it could be fun.

EDIT 3

When I was a prosecutor, my Dad thought I was too sensitive to deal with it. Reading all of the horrible things people do to each other. The secret was, as long as I could convince myself I was working against it than I was okay. Which is why Tiny Town didn’t help. WORKING AGAINST IT would mean some form of actual, measurable justice. Assessing fines that the defendant is never required to pay is NOT justice. But… this is worse.
(1) Repeat Offender on Drunk Driving, Accidents, Speeding, Driving Without License. Deal offered is standard, generous even. Complicated because ”oh no, he’ll get deported!”
(2) Man brings a loaded handgun to school, safety off, waistband of his track pants… the entire look says, “Chinese Gangsters are so cool.” To a school. Complicated because ”oh no, he’ll get deported!”
(3) Man walking around Wal Mart is hammered. Officers tell him, “Call someone to go home right now and we won’t arrest you for Public Intox.” The guy that comes to pick him up? Hammered. AND carrying a firearm. Complicated because ”oh no, he’ll get deported!”
(4) Chinese student is found hammered sleeping behind the wheel of his car; they keys are in the ignition and the car is running. OWI charge. Complicated because The Chinese want me to fight/explain “He wasn’t driving.”
(5) Chinese student with 9 tickets in 1 year. Thinks his supercar should be allowed to go whatever speed he wants. Was already facing heavy government restriction before hiring us… Chinese Boss wants to fight the tickets because of Suspended License issues.
(6) Chinese Student that attacked her boyfriend. She scratched his arms all to hell when he “wouldn’t listen” to her. Complicated because a crime of violence becomes a deportable/inadmissible issue.
(7) 13 year old sexually assaulted his 8 year old sister by his own admission “over 12 times.” The 13 year old is my client.

If I was a prosecutor?
(1) Don’t care. 7 days in jail is a fucking GIFT for those offenses
(2) Don’t care. The law asks simple questions: Did he bring a gun? Was he on school grounds? Was he authorized to have that gun on school grounds?
(3) Frankly, the client is lucky he wasn’t charged with an OWI. They just don’t want drunk people to be walking around with guns.
(4) According to the laws in Iowa, if the car is running and the person in the driver’s seat is intoxicated, that is a crime.
(5) MAYBE, just maybe, if the Chinese kid hadn’t treated the roadways of the United States like his own personal playground, he wouldn’t be in this situation. MAYBE, just maybe, if he had respected ALL of the warnings he got that said, “If you continue to violate this law, your license will be suspended” he wouldn’t be in this situation.
(6) If I could plead her to fines and anger management… awesome. Infinitely prefer that. But… immigration consequences. So… because the United States, like many countries, declares “Non-Citizen Law Breakers are subject to deportation”… we have to do everything in our power to keep Foreign Nationals from seeming like Law Breakers… even if they are breaking the law.
(7) My heart goes out to all of the children in this. Which is why I would rather represent the State. As the State, I could work to get both kids the kind of help that they would require. As the Defense Attorney, I am supposed to prevent this kid from being found to have done anything wrong.

EDIT 4

Not surprisingly? With the courts closed, the Federal Government closed, and all State Government Offices closed… today has been a mostly quiet day. White Boss is doing his damnedist to figure out the most fool-proof way to collect a 6 figure judgement. Chinese Boss and both employees are working on Immigration Matters. I’m… researching Case Law just so I can get paid for the time I’m required to be here. It is… awful in many ways. Dealing with the stress and bullshit of this firm all the time; and then having Tiny Town-style breaks where there is nothing to do and/or nobody around. Frankly, and I will mention this to them at some point… since I don’t actually get benefits from these people? It would make more sense to put me as Part Time. I help when needed and take care of Criminal Cases when assigned.

EDIT 5

I wonder if I should share this with my Therapist.... probably should… but she’s taken MLK day off as well, so I worry about inundating her with stuff.

I begin to feel anxious and *fundamentally impatient when I don’t feel like I am taking active steps towards accomplishing my dreams. Case in point: I have applied to every Government Law Job that has become available. This meant that for several weeks in a row, I was applying to and/or interviewing for the kind of job I want to return to. The last job I applied for was two weeks ago. Since then the Government Hiring Boards and Interviewing Schedulers have gone silent. Obviously, that isn’t so strange what with a potential government shut down in the works for the Federal Government but.... if I’m not where I want to be, I don’t like standing still. I acknowledge the statement “If you aren’t where you want to be, change something. If you can’t change something, change your attitude.” And, as ever, my attitude is to do what I can/must for those around me while I am here. Namely, doing my current job to the best of my abilities and to the best of the resources available. But this is the kind of thing I tend to start getting emotional about. When I say emotional, I mean “panicked, anxious, ill at ease.” Because the truth is, I don’t want to stay at my current job. That isn’t something I’m waffling about. The issue is- where I do want to end up is far less “work hard, you’ll get there” and more “pray for an opening and apply, apply, apply.” So… my mind starts to focus on the million ways that I may not get where I want to be. I’m trying to be mindful and break the habit… the fact that I haven’t worked myself up into an emotional wreck already is proof of forward progress.

EDIT 6

So… as my bosses haven’t responded to my requests for updates in my own cases, as my clients choose not to call me back, as my To Do List stares at me covered in check marks that took 0.1 billable hours, leaving me with a 7 am to 2 pm work done while only receiving 2.5 hours of credit.... I am… uncertain. By the end of this day, in truth, I will have earned the same amount of pay that I received for a single day of working at Best Buy. But I’ll have worked more in-person hours and done less life-affirming work. Another thing that I wish was more well known. I’m not the kind of guy that likes having nothing to do… and it isn’t about the shit pay either. I want to work, doing work I care about, doing work that matters AND aligns with my damned values. I won’t get home tonight until after 8:00 p.m. All just to turn around and do it all over again at 7 am the next morning. Working the long hours but not making money or having work enough to justify it. Perhaps that is why the “Oh, Tiny Town was better” kind of thinking has jumped into my head. Because… if it was slow in Tiny Town? I was getting paid twice as much and would be at the office for half as long. Doing a comparison on that model, it seems obvious which one is better.

EDIT 7

Seriously? White Boss was discussing a case with another attorney; trying to get a settlement in a civil matter. The other Attorney, an attorney who lives in the United States and practices law in the United States, was behaving as if this were a lawsuit in the United States. Because it is. However, our clients are Chinese. In China. So while the LAW may be one way, our CLIENTS are another. While the LAW says, “Defendant owes too much money to too many people. Your clients won’t see a dime even with a judgement and they especially won’t see a dime if you force the Defendant into bankruptcy.” White Boss explains, “That would be enough to discourage us if our client was in the States. A client not getting anything would likely stop spending so much money to go after someone they felt wronged them. But that ain’t how it works in China. They were wronged, they want to do what they can to make your client declare bankruptcy. That’s just how it is.” Which… by the way.... also not justice. In business, if you get screwed… you sue for damages. If the other party can’t pay you damages; that is “justice proof” and teaches the wronged party.... be better at business. If I loan someone $40 and take, as collateral, something worth $5… I’m an idiot if I fuss about losing $35 when the dude doesn’t pay me back. Bah. Then again, I’m actually not super competent when it comes to Civil Law. I’m best in Criminal Law… and thought I was learning some Immigration Law (though, now everything I do apparently sucks and is wrong). I took this job hoping to learn, grow, and find out what I really wanted to do with my life. Maybe that is another reason why I’m getting impatient. Because I’ve learned a lot, been continually told I’m not good enough, and I’ve fully discovered exactly what I want to do with my life. It is time to go do that now. Isn’t it?

EDIT 8

Last one for the day, promise.
Today has been… interesting. I wasn’t actively miserable. By which I mean… I wasn’t clawing my eyes out, begging God to give me something… ANYTHING… better. And there were days like that in Tiny Town. There have definitely been days like that here. But today wasn’t misery but it wasn’t contentment either… or even apathy. I continue to use this metaphor.... Tiny Town felt like a pair of great pants that were way too small. No matter what I did, if I tried to force the pair of pants on… it cause pain. The Firm feels like… well… it may be a pair of great pants… it may be sized properly for… someone… but it certainly feels wrong for me. Like a suit, maybe, that could make someone of a certain height/weight/build look incredible but just… fits wrong on me. Not that I can’t survive it, not that I can’t put up with it when I have to… but consistently… feels wrong. And that may be another thing adding to my… just… feeling of constant focus. When Tiny Town was bad… it was bad. When The Firm is bad… it is bad. When Tiny Town wasn’t so bad… it was okay. A little isolating but Wife & Video Games & Cooking helped. DON’T misunderstand, we still wanted to leave… but things like Mantan coming over and hanging out or MBFITWW swinging by or just… well… Tiny Town was misery with pockets of acceptability. When The Firm isn’t so bad… I still feel like I’m trying to wear someone else’s pants. Misery with a sheen of Discomfort overlaying the whole thing.