Somedays I have so much to say but don’t even know where to start. The house is so quiet with everyone gone. My brain just runs away on me. I sure miss the days of a house filled with teenagers. The chaos. The laughter. Heck, even the fighting.
Today I had a beautiful baby girl for a few hours. Just some respite care so her foster mama could go to a medical appointment. Almost a month old and pure perfection with a face full of plump cheeks and so much hair. She’s adorable and I’ve loved getting to love on her. She’ll head Monday to live with a family member that thankfully passed the screenings. Family really is best when it’s possible.
I was talking to a friend that stopped by and she mentioned she wished she’d of had kids when she was older. Me too. I’m glad I had my kids when I did. Absolutely. Yet, at 20 I was so busy trying to get through the long days I didn’t take the time to soak up that newborn time or their childhood like I would do now. Parenting at 20 vs 40 is so much different. I’m so much more patient and laid back now. I have such a better grip on life. I get to love them longer. I’m lucky. Yet, I missed out on so much.
Somedays I really miss my daughter and what would have been. I should have a one and a half year old this holiday season. She’d be so much fun and in such a fun stage right now. Walking. Starting to talk. Being full of sass and funny little things. I smile when I think of her. That’s a step in the right direction I guess. Better from the days where all I could do was sob when I remembered what should have been and the dreams I had for her. I’ll always miss her. She was and still is so loved. How different life would have been right now if we hadn’t of lost her. I’d be a totally different person. Literally. There’s life before Annabelle and life after Annabelle. My perfect baby girl.
Alex texted that he finished up the last of his school work and is officially done with this semester. Thank God. Assuming he passed history he’ll officially be done with classes and just need to finish up his multi engine certificate with the college in January. Then he’ll walk in May with his whatever Aviation Bachelors Degree and his pilots license. I’ll need to fork out more money to finish his CFI and CFII this spring. Then hopefully by June he’s hired as a CFI and getting flight hours in. Next up, get to 1,000 hours so he can go commercial. Such a long, financially draining process. I can’t wait to see him reach the finish line. This mom will finally then breathe a sigh of relief.
No more college means he can work far more though. He should have started his new job serving for Olive Garden today. He’ll continue with the airline and work both. This means he can hopefully pay his own rent and more (all?) of his daily expenses. I told him we are going to need to sit down and figure out a budget. I’ve literally worked 2 jobs for 4 1/2 years to support him through his senior year and college. I’m freaking exhausted. I would love to be able to start saving my money and maybe take a day off occasionally. I know I’ll have to throw down about 7K for his CFI but that really will mean the end of financially paying for all of this will be over. A glimmer of hope. I’m tired. So, tired.
I need to sit down and figure out my own bills tomorrow. Pay them. Get a deposit slip ready to deposit my tips and restaurant checks Friday. I hate the end of the month. Yet, I’m thankful I can zero everything out at the end of the month. That’s a hard task in today’s economy. I just wish I had more to show for it.
Tomorrow I go back to the dentist. Again. I’m dreading it. I anticipate bad news and am fearful the dentist may way to just take the implant out right then and there. I know he thinks it’s failing. Again. Hence the reason I’ve went to the dentist every week for 3 weeks. It does feel better. It isn’t pulsing like it was. Yet, it’s still tender. The thought of him taking it out and “scraping it clean” - literally - again makes me want to puke. Badly. I’m so frustrated that this has literally been 6 months of hell so we started this process. You can’t even see the tooth. I should have just let it go and pulled it out. Ugh. Now I’m invested. Or maybe the dentist is invested. He definitely cares far more than I do on making it work & having it turn out perfect. I just want it to be over. Badly.
We will see though. For tonight I think I’ll just go to bed early and try not to think about life for 12ish hours. Sleep does sound incredible.
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