Who wants to hear my ongoing story with my ex?
We dated two years in high school, then he chose his friends over me, cut off contact for two years, slowly we became friends but was rude to me for the most part, months go by and we do relationship things but never had the title (His response would be “I love you..I just don’t want to be with you.” K thnx awesome), he wouldn’t tell his friends when we would hang out, and this went on for months, finally we end up dating, long distance, only lasted a few months because he crossed boundaries with another girl (Not cheating, but he has a boundary issue. They would go grocery shopping together, had over thousands and thousands of messages from each other, would wanna pick her up whenever she was free, and he would lie to me about being with her, such as when he went to a party at her house [and he doesn’t even like parties]), and my insecurities got to me. I would try to communicate with him how I felt and he didn’t understand, therefore didn’t care.
It was too much, so then I made my mistake and cheated on him with an ex who told me sweet things and that I deserved better. It wasn’t sex, just kissing. But cheating is cheating. I’m an honest person so I told him. He forgave me. However still we didn’t talk for another four months before we wanted to rekindle something. But guess what? He was still friends with that girl that caused all of this and he still didn’t get why I wanted her gone. He finally listened and we were able to move on.
But by this point, I knew this guy from 2012 to now. Six years of feeling insecure and unsure by him. The thing is, he is a nice guy. Always will go far and beyond for his friends and will say yes to any favor you ask of him. He’s hilarious and makes friends so easily.
This is where I go back and forth with him. Is he a great person or not? Because I feel like he is nice to basically anyone that isn’t me. Which makes no sense because I have always had his back, always wanted what’s best for him. And when something hurts me, I try to be vocal about it. But as a response he goes on about the time I cheated. But he doesn’t process further than that and I feel so stuck. What I did was wrong, I’m not saying it isn’t. But there are reasons as to why I did what I did. But as long as he was right, nothing else matters.
Currently, we are friends. He still lives three hours away but he has been here on break. Twice we have slept together and he still admits to being in love with me. However, I knew that him and that girl are friends again since recently.
I can’t do this again. This cycle him and me have. I don’t know how to break it. I told him to get rid of her and he doesn’t want to. Just the mention of her and my heart speeds up and I feel so lost and desperate and it brings me back to those dark times. I just want to be heard out. My voice is always lost amongst others, I would hope the man I always loved would be the one to hear me. But many times over and over he has shown me that I’m not first. Him and me are not dating, but you can’t still be in love with someone and take on the actions that hurt them. He would rather be her friend and hurt me incredibly than to just get rid of her. Do I not mean anything?
I suppose not.
His decisions all these years have taken its toll on me. I keep thinking maybe if I was prettier, maybe if I was smarter, maybe if I was enough, he would listen to me just so I wouldn’t be hurt.
What will be our story years from now? Or will this always be a continuous thing? I love him, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore. All I want is that girl gone. That’s it. I’m okay with him dating sweet girls, I’m okay if he moves on with his life. It’s just about her. All I see is her and how she made me like a fool because she knew he had a girlfriend. I just feel like crying again.
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