Fear in The First Life

It’s hard to close my eyes.
My heart races..feels heavy against my chest.
I go from melting,
To telling myself to pull myself back up.
Don’t get dizzy, don’t spin…
Neither of us have time.

I spent so much away from him
Now should seem like nothing.
Count days wondering if he does the same.
I know he does at night, but I feel him all day.

I know there is so much for me to do.
But after so much distance I just want to dive into him.
Find all the pieces.
Laugh and talk without worrying whether we have to go to sleep, or get up.
Get lost in the night and slowly waste the day.

I know why I keep wrapping my heart in my sleeve.
Why I look away when moments are too deep.
Why I won’t let tears well up in my eyes even when my soul is bursting with the feel of ‘finally’.

I keep quietly repeating things too familiar.
Play the static..
Hum in my brain..
Change the pace.
Remember what I’m here for.
Me.
There are things I can control and this is not it.
So I can’t get lost.
I know he’s afraid, and so am I.
Maybe I still don’t fit, and I wish that didn’t hurt.

I have time though.
Goals and thoughts and dreams.
I have to hold those, the things I can have.
The things that are mine.
If I don’t reach them, that’s all my fault.

This isn’t supposed to be easy and I know that.
Ive just become more and more afraid.
I guess nothing can be worse than those dreams.
And the reality of the last 4 years.
But…facing someone you love..and fearing they might show you an end..again.
I wish I could quit that image.
But…now won’t allow that.