Hiatus in Safety Net

I know I haven’t been present much lately. After this entry, I’ll probably be gone for awhile again. I may come back for my end of the year survey. I’m debating whether or not to upload my diary from OD when I have internet, which isn’t often, but it would be nice to have everything in one place again. I may type up my written journal as well. Who knows.

Things have not been going well for me. I had a few months of sheer bliss, but we all know that I’m not allowed to be happy, so my world came crashing down on me, again. I experienced a few things that I never had before…mostly love, and naturally, heartbreak. When I lost my brother…I never thought anything could possibly hurt worse than that. I basically went numb. I couldn’t process the other deaths in the family that year. I felt I’d never be happy again. Then I met him.

It’s my own stupid fault. Sure, he’s partly to blame. He knew what he was saying. He knew I at the very least liked him enormously. He knew he had me hooked. But I was apparently nothing more than a plaything. He had someone else. While he knew I was falling for him, he had no intention of catching me. I still blame myself.

I knew better than to get involved with someone who was in a relationship. It shouldn’t have mattered what he was saying. I should have stuck to my guns and said no until he was available. But more than that, I know better than to get too attached to anyone anymore. All my life…it’s just so easy for people to walk away from me. All of the people who have said they’d always be there, have up on me. I know I can be difficult when I’m going through my dark spells, but I’m always there for my friends. I’ve skipped class, called in to work, driven across the country…to be there for a friend in need. I’ve never had a friend like that. Until him. He pulled me out of the darkness after my brother. The darkness that had held me captive for over a year. He found a way in and pulled me out. Ironic he should be the one to throw me back in.

I should definitely know better than to trust men. Every male that has ever been a part of my life has abandoned me. Granted, the most common method the past few years has been death…slightly unavoidable, but the fact remains.

It’s so hard though. He still wants to be friends because for him that’s all we ever were. To him, I’m the one that changed, not him. But when one day he’s telling me that he can’t wait to see me again…When he’s talking about falling asleep next to me and waking up next to me…when he says things like “kissing (me) makes him happier than anything else in the world”…and suddenly the next day he’s telling me he has to “lay low” for awhile, things changed. He keeps telling me that I need to get out there and find someone else. I still love him though…which he knows. I did finally tell him. I know the best way to move on and get over him is to cut communication with him. I still want to be friends too, but I need some time. Every time I try though…he doesn’t want to let me go. He gets upset, saying that I’m being impatient. He’s just been busy (for 7 months, sure) and we’ll be able to see each other more than once a month again when things calm down again. He’s said he misses me too. He told me he cares about me more than her at this point. He said he likes me a lot. He’s said we’ll always be friends no matter what. He even told me he loves me too. I think that was a slip of the tongue though. Maybe he does, but I don’t think he meant to say it. I just wish it was enough. He makes me so incredibly happy. He means so much to me. I have never, EVER wanted anything or anyone so badly in my life…not even that nauseating crush I had in college lol. He knew what he was doing. He said he loved me. That bitch he’s with doesn’t love him. She’s in love with a person who doesn’t exist…this man she thinks she’s going to transform him into. I don’t want him to change. I would be ecstatic with the amount of time he spends with her. I don’t want his money or fancy dates. I just want him. He said he loved me. How I wish I was enough.

I’ve never been enough for anyone. Why start now.