Some days I just don’t think I can pull it off. I have a difficult kid. I have a second kid who is easy on his own, but in light of the difficult kid also gets difficult. I have a wife who is a kickass person, but crippled now. And I was never that kickass to begin with. I am, possibly, emotionally stunted. I created an account here so I can get some words down because I have nobody, at nearly 40, that I can trust to talk to about feeling like I can’t do it. Because the only person I can really talk to is my wife, but “I can’t do it” is not acceptable there. She already has to carry me so much - when I get ill or whatever.
And so, I’m here, because I feel empty and alone and overwhelmed and I can’t sleep. All of this is true. I just tried to write this same text as an email and a text to two different people and had to hit cancel. I can’t.
When I was in high school, I sold LSD. I would go down to the big park and buy a sheet (100 tabs) for $100 and sell each for $5. I only did this twice, I think. It was scary in more than one way, so I stopped. But while I was selling, people sought me out. I had a kind of validation from them, a break from my normal alienation because I had something to offer them.
Is everybody alienated all of the time?
One day, a close friend showed up to school with his girlfriend, who went to a different school. I had met her previous to this day, but this was the first time she visited (it meant she was cutting out of her own classes). And after spending a half a day together, she asked me, “Doesn’t it bother you that the only reason people talk to you is to get acid?” And it hadn’t bothered me before then. But it sure did now.
And to this day, I don’t do anything illicit anymore, but I have that same feeling - the only reason people talk to me is to get a thing. I have many things. I am skilled and fucking smart, and this is the new acid. Problem solving, liaising between people who don’t understand each other, etc. Whatever. I have things that I bring, and people like those things. I am useful. They ask me to do the things. And I say yes, because alienation. But I am so tired. I don’t want to do any of those things for any of those people any more. Not even don’t want to. I can’t. I am too tired. I don’t think I can pull it off. But not doing them is an immediate return to alienation.
And I’m tired. I have a difficult kid. And a family. And I want to use my time for them, because I think I can actually help the difficult kid have a good life if I can focus on him. But I can’t. Because also, the things - the new acid - is a source of revenue. And I walked away from it at 16 and took a $5/hr job, but I can’t walk away from it at 40. I have a family.
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