I’m going to start working with a new coworker today, and I’m nervous. We went to school together apparently, but I don’t remember her at all. The reason I’m nervous makes me feel petty and ridiculous: she’s exceptionally attractive. It has nothing to do with her as a person. She could be very nice and competent, or very not. Who knows? Ever since the thing with Stone, women make me uncomfortable. The hotter and nicer they are, the worse it is. I know that’s unfair, as it really has nothing to do with them.
At least I CAN talk with women now. A couple of years back right after I left from TF if an even nominally pretty girl talked to me and was nice I felt like my back was up against a wall. I always tried to be polite. I think I was successful, at least usually. In my head I kept thinking, “Please go away. Please. I don’t want to have positive interactions with you, because if I do I might want to be friends. I don’t want to be friends.” As is typical when people isolate, I didn’t pull away from a few people. I pulled away from everyone. It didn’t help matters that my mom and her side of the family turned their backs on me right when I needed their support the most. The depression and anxiety were so pervasive and intense that I ended up needing to be hospitalized. It blows me away that my wife stuck with me through all that.
I guess my point is that I need to stop worrying. It’s not like I think every woman who meets me will fall in love with me. I can be arrogant just as easily as anyone else, but come on! No, it’s not that. It’s just that I can’t let anything like what happened with Stone happen again. That just about killed me. But, there’s a big difference between being paranoid and being cautious. Be cautious, bravesquirrel, but don’t live in fear
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