This poem covers a period of the first 10 years or so of my marriage. It was not and is not all bad. This was just me venting at the time. And to be clear, these were (and in some cases still are) my feelings, not necessarily reality. This is the only thing I’ve ever written where I cried the whole time I was writing it. It’s pretty dark, so be warned. I just hope that someone going through similar circumstances can find some solace in knowing they’re not alone. This past 5 years have been the hardest of my life, but I’m still here. My wife still loves me. My friends still love me. Life goes on, even when you feel like it couldn’t or shouldn’t. You can find the strength to persevere.
I break
Again and again
The pain always surprises
I find you
I hold you close
You smile in my arms
I am Yours
You are Mine
A gulf slowly separates Us
Losing our grip
Our connection dissolves
You’re right here
And I break
I push
I reach
I plead
I break
I die
So Tired
I love you
You alone
I am Alone
You hear my heart
But don’t understand
Words fail
I shrink into the dark
I hate
I break
No one sees
No Presence
Rage
Emptiness
Void Eternal
Desiring DEATH
Immersed in loathing
I must stand
Stand or die!
To stand I must break
You say words of love
Uncomprehending, I believe
And I break
Soul-wrenching effort
Demons claw and bite
My mind rebels
Still I walk
Our steps become miles
Hope!
A vague horizon
Oneness and Light
I smile at you
You cry in Pain
The journey’s toll
You drift further
I did this
Continuous failures
Laughable vigilance
I’ve broken you
Vile Bastard!
Fix her!
Pull her back
Be her need
Soothe her weariness
I push
I reach
I plead
I break
I die
Must walk
Must fortify
Be her need
Be her strength
Too vulnerable
Iron walls sheathe my heart
Push!
Repel all threats
Desires unsated
I fear myself
I hate my wants
Selfishness disguised as love
I shrink into the dark
I hate
I break
I can’t do this!
I MUST do this!
I don’t feel your warmth
I FEAR your contempt
Inevitable
Unworthy
Thicker walls
More stone
No one gets in
Cannot break!
You need my help!
Vile Bastard!
Worthless hopeless heartless Shit!
Fix her!
Kill my need for her
It makes me weak
Weakness is destruction
I will NOT break
Be your need
Kill my need
I built this for you
It is strong and sure
Manning the battlements
I always ache
But you are secure!
Words echo hollow
Cold rock and empty halls
Devoid of Life
But strong and sure
Resentment descends
Your smile less frequent
You live in a cell
Down in the earth
Safety crushes you
A Long Watch
Midnight
An enemy inside
Wearing a friend’s face
How?!
Get out!!
Anger and Bitterness
She draws closer
I feel her
No!!!
Despair
She cannot be here
Does she know she is?
Closer
You can’t know
She can’t know
She trusts
You trust
I shrink into the dark
I break
She understands?
Holding you
I cannot find you
Acute awareness plagues me
She is in my heart
Vile Bastard!
Worthless hopeless heartless Shit!
Run!
Kill it!
Closer
Inexorable
She’s reaching?
Where are you?!
Where am I?
Her Laughter brightens my fortress
Her Warmth melts me
Her Love breaks me
I SHATTER
Walls crumble like sand
The world fractures
GOD!
DAMN!!
EVERYTHING!!!
My true friend
Hold her?
Kiss her?
My sweetest assailant
NO!
She understands
I understand
Cling to you
Desperation
Want her
NEED YOU
HERE
Please!
I need your ALL!
With my ALL!
Will NOT continue like this
Can NOT continue like this
I’m begging
I’m empty
I’m broken
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