Loneliness in Pain

This loneliness is often too much to bear but I don’t quite know what to do. Every time a man gets close to me I feel my skin crawl, yet I yearn for a companion to share my life with but how can I get over what has happened to me. I have tried prayer and therapy and although things have gotten better I still cannot get this filth off of my skin. The idea of physical intimacy makes me ill. To have a man touch me scares me to death. My trust has been broken unable to be fixed. I hate how they have twisted my mind into a violent rage. Never knowing a tender touch only violence and abuse has me wondering what it feels like to be loved instead of abused. Sexual violence is all I have ever known. Those who should have been protecting me were using me for their own gratification. From the uncle who sodomized me to the boyfriend who didn’t know how to take “no” for an answer to the husband who imposed his sadistic, perverse torturous sex. Who can I trust? How can I find love?