November 15, 2017 in Journal 1

There is no way I will be able to keep this up. Everyday, writing about my pitiful yet incredibly privileged life. Ugh, I see myself now– in the future, seeing these entries and choking down the vomit induced by the disgust I feel toward the rants and ravings of my lunatic self.
Look, I can’t stomach other people either, but am I particularly revolting or something? Honestly, am I unreasonably hard on myself or am I justifiably insufferable in an objective sense?
Anyways, I will try to move forward…
Today, I woke up at 8 am and I planned to go to my lecture at 10 am, but I didn’t. I stayed in bed for an hour tossing over in my mind whether it would be worth it– whether I would feel the same way I felt the day before or if I would learn just as little by going to my lectures. I’ve even started to question whether I want to study neuroscience at all. I know this may seem like a very young and naive mindset, but I feel like I am at a crossroads. I feel like I can try to trudge along the path I am currently on to receive my BS in Neuroscience in Spring 2019 or I can give up and do something else. And, while I was thinking about this and wasting time and sewing doubt into my mind, I fell back to sleep only to wake up hours later.
I know this sounds stupid. To put so much time and money into something and give up when I’m only 3 1/2 semesters away from getting my degree, but I’ve lost all interest in neuroscience. I can’t imagine suffering through another year and a half of intense study on a subject I have no interest in. But, it’s sudden. Back in the beginning of October, I was so excited to study neuroscience in London, and now I am questioning my whole life-path. I think I know what this means.
I’ve felt like this before– physically and mentally fatigued, lacking motivation, anhedonic, and an inability to concentrate. In 2014, my mom took me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with depression. I think I might have depression or some kind of mood disorder. However, the wary I have in self-diagnosing myself or even assuming I might have a mood disorder is due to the fact that I study the neurobiology and morphology of the brain in people who suffer from neurological disorders, and I feel I may be experiencing some kind of placebo effect/sympathy effect. I fear that I may be attributing what I perceive to be symptoms to a mental disorder rather than what it really is– mere laziness.
I should probably see a psychiatrist. The problem is I don’t have the time, energy, money, or know-how. I have no clue how the NHS in England works and I don’t know how to seek psychological services. I, also, don’t have the money to pay for whatever additional cost it would require– not for the therapy or medication, if those were found to be necessary.
I just hope every night that I’ll wake up the next morning with a reignited fire in my chest, so I guess I’ll hope for that again for now.