I’ve never been good at writing but I feel I need to gather my thoughts and I need a place to store them. (Also sorry about the spelling, writing from my phone can be hard.)
Lately I feel as if life is falling apart little by little....
I was diagnosed with a neurological disorder called cervical dystonia. Basically it causes muscle spasms due due to sort of a defect in my brain. It has taken a huge emotional toll on my self confidence.... It’s pretty much at zero…
I feel disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror. Some days I wake up thinking what’s the point of going on with my life. I feel at times I’m a burden on my family because sometimes it limits what I can and can’t do. I don’t want to leave the house most days and for a good few months I only went to work and home… Nothing else.
It interferes with my ability to be close because I feel self conscious. I look in the mirror and see my lopsided body… Too me its unflatering. My boobs seem completely uneven. My left side looks weird to me… In the past year my husband and I have probably had sex maybe 5 times. He says he is afraid he will hurt me. It can be frustrating at times. Lately I have been extremely horny and masterbation can only do so much for me. Sometimes I feel as if we are only friends and not lovers. Sex has always been difficult for me so finding someone that am actually able to be close with is a huge deal. I feel bad because my mind wanders and I have thoughts of someone else lately when I’m trying to get myself off. I guess I would like for someone to make me feel attractive or something because most days I feel as if I’m not.
I recently had a botox injection to help with my dystonia. It helped at first but now it seems to have dissipated some. My next injection isn’t until January so I’m trying to stay positive until then but it’s hard somedays. I am doing my physical therapy exercises the best I can but some require someone else to help and Chris isn’t always able to help due to either at times his hand hurts to much to help or he is a sleep when I do them. My son Jon can’t really help much due to him bring to young and my parents can’t help due to its to far of a drive to do daily plus my mom has her own issues so I really have no one to help.
My life can be pretty lonely at times. I never had a lot of friends growning up. I had maybe 3 close friends. I never really had female friends. Most were guys. They were just easier to talk to and to get a long with but I lost most of my friends due to guys I’ve dated being jealous even though there was nothing sexual going on between me and my guy friends. I really have no one to talk to about things I have been feeling lately which is hard because I keep things bottled up until I burst.
I haven’t been good at taking my effexor lately. I skip days because I forget… Maybe this is why I’m feeling shitty lately. I need to set an alarm on my phone to remind me. I can only take it in the moring or early afternoon because if I take it later in the day I can’t sleep with it.
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