On Sunday, I lost it. I melted down again at Ian, because he won’t communicate anything with me.
He won’t even communicate that it is difficult to communicate.
He just does and says nothing.
He said he would send me a selfie of him and his daughter over two months ago, and he hasn’t. And I have politely and as gently as possible reminded him. Last he said he actually forgot to visit her entirely. I sort of wanted to slap him but maintained demeanour like a nice person. You know be careful not to make him feel bad about himself.
But now… he has gone completely silent, and I’ve had Storey’s birthday to arrange so I can’t take time to grieve or decide what to do or anything. I just dissociated. I haven’t been imposing myself. If he doesn’t want to talk then I can’t make him. I tried to call twice just now but no answer, and sent him an SMS asking if he planned to come back to town tomorrow as usual. But still, silence.
This is really selfish and childish of him. I’m not an unapproachable person. I’m open minded and accepting and understanding. I don’t know why it’s so hard. I don’t understand at all. And it’s triggering all of the abuse from before and he doesn’t seem to care. Not does he seem to want help.
I dont’ know if I will drive the 2 hours to impose myself on him tomorrow. If everything I have done so far hasn’t worked, why would that? Perhaps I should just stay at home and sleep all day again and give up entirely until he .. communicates anything.
My heart is broken but I can’t even cry. I want to be that heaving mess on the floor I have been in the past but I am just completely numb and vacant.
SP
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