I have a job now. It’s even in the Health Science field, which is my undergrad degree. I am now an official Respiratory Scientist. I only have three subjects until I graduate.
The Ian thing is okay.
Storey is a cunt. I decided I’m allowed to call my child a cunt, because anyone else who behaved the way she does would also be labelled so.
We now have a referral for some psychiatric help with her behavior. Last weekend it was so bad, she triggered Ians PTSD and he left.
I was mad at him because he has that luxury. And then I cried because I have no one to help me with her bar Sarai and it’s not going to end.
I say ‘bar Sarai’ but Sarai is chronically ill and much worse than I am, and I know she is unreliable 50% of the time, and that looking after a sack of anxiety (Blair) and a massive jerk (Storey) will definitely wear her out. So I dont like to utilise her very often.
Besides, the Mother-Guilt means I have to wear this situation on my own, right?
The girls dad has gone interstate, and Blair cried a few nights ago as she is starting to realise she isn’t a priority in his life. There’s nothing I can do to help except listen, because I know no one is a priority to him but him, and she has to conclude and mourn the loss of the father she wanted without being guided into it.
Sigh.
Storey is apathetic. I worry she will turn out like him. And I threaten to send her to live with him so she realises how good she has it here with a loving mother who lets you poke her in the boob whenever you feel like you need the comfort of breastfeeding nostalgia.
Eye exam yesterday, felt like my vision has been worsening, but my prescription hasnt changed. Optician is concerned my Lupus medication has caused toxicity resulting in macular degeneration. Irreversible vision loss. The scary part is, that if he is right I will have to stop taking the most helpful medication for my illness.
Other scary health news:
My thyroid has potentially stopped working, we are monitoring it.
My breast lymph has hardened and isnt working efficiently: we are monitoring that as well.
My cervix has potential cancer: we’re monitoring that as well.
So I’m just a walking physical flop at the moment with lots of checkups on going.
Whatever. At least I have a job that pays decently.
SP
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