Again! This is crazy! It’s happening to me all over again and I can’t help it. This feeling… I can’t hold it back… can’t understand it nor can I ever tell anyone. But if you want to understand my situation, I’ll have to take you back in time by a year.
Here I am, the starting of my last year in high school, summer was tough and there were problems, the girl I loved was no longer with me. For anonymity, let’s give her the number 20. 20 was amazing, she was my everything at that point in my life. Things were difficult and no matter how hard we tried to get it together, nothing would help. I got close to her best friend, and again, for anonymity lets say that this girl’s number is 9. 20 and 9 were the best of friends, so naturally when things were difficult I would go to the best friend for advice. Months passed and come December, things seemed to be normal at the surface but the wound was much deeper than that. It was then that I made the mistake, I began falling for 9. She was everything I wanted from 20 in the first place, she was perfect and she made me happy. We understood each other like we were clones of each other. There was nothing wrong, but I was fine with her not knowing cos she liked this other guy. We got closer and closer while me and 20 got more and more distant.
March, with finals approaching in 2 months I was too rushed in calling things off with 20. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t look at her in the eye and tell her that I loved her. I couldn’t be with her knowing that the whole time that I’d be looking at her best friend. Oh the shame, but what could I have done. I thought that if I ended things, she’d understand that I was trying to stop this before I got too late and it got out of hand.
April, with all the prom proposals going around, I made mine too, 9 was overjoyed and crying simultaneously. She was more confused than ever before, she wanted to so badly but she couldn’t do it as she’d be shaming her best friend by going forward with it. She couldn’t have done anything else. She left the scene crying profusely and I never spoke to her since. It’s been almost 6 months since I spoke to her or even saw her. It broke me. Talk about karma, it feels real.
Fast forward to present day, freshman in university, my first week was fun, parties and the late night fun. The consequences of all of that was that I was feeling hollow and empty. I wasn’t happy, I am not happy, I can’t be happy after what happened. My friends say that I didn’t get closure on that topic. They say that all of it was my fault and that I am emotionally incapable to have a committed relationship.
Then, one fine day, I got a ping on my phone, “Hey! You busy? I had a couple of questions”.
For what it seemed, it began as a normal question-answer session with a curious prospective student. It went on for about a month… but for the last few weeks, I’ve been feeling different.
I’m happy, I’m focused, I’m… normal again.
Have you experienced this? The feeling of excitement that runs through your body like a static shock when you see a notification from them. When you talk to them and you can’t stop looking at them. What do you call it? What do you call this feeling where you look at her and your whole body just stops everything, everything comes to a standstill. Coming back to where I began… I think it is happening, it is happening again and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
There is no word to describe this feeling, but I cannot see anyone else but her, think of anyone else or feel for anyone else. Maybe this is the start that I never experienced before. I was confused about my feelings and my view on certain things… until now
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