Locomotion in 2017

I feel as if tides are shifting right now. I guess thats been one of the funny things about grief…I’ve had a few revelations and realizations, intermixed with chaos and darkness. Up and down. Over and over. Its not like one big thing happened and it changed who I was. My baby died and other familial crises happened and those things completely wiped me dry. Erased the slate. And Im inching through recreating myself. Which is a lot of trial and error.

I’ve gone through clouds of awakening. In the earliest weeks I remember visioning myself at that ledge of sanity. And its weird to see yourself almost going crazy....like legit issues with my psyche. But I’ve seen myself past that place and into a bit more logical line of thought. As days continue I’m finding longer, more productive pockets of time. A week or so ago I created string art for our gallery wall in our home. I enjoyed that time and am looking forward to more crafting. Im catching up on some housekeeping things…but the efficacy of that comes and goes.

Really, I know progress is being made. But I’ve been so.....tapped out for such a long time now that the momentum never seems to push long or hard enough. Im feeling depressed, which seems impossible with how many antidepressants Im on.

More and more, I want a baby. And more and more I find myself resenting that not happening. That decision was taken from me. My baby was taken from me. My grief is too freaking complicated now intertwined with my husband’s addiction. The poison of addiction is forever part of my baby’s story. And thats gross to me.

I love my husband. I really do.

But I do envision myself stomping my feet, tantrum-ing. I feel like an opportunity for another pregnancy might quash some of my feelings. And feel ‘fair’? I dont know....