My head has been so full.
And I’ve felt incredibly alone lately.
But not lonely.
I need to get out.
When life allows again.
I’m fixated.
I recited a day in 2011 today.
Played it like a film in my brain.
I could almost feel the sun, and the wind. I could hear the leaves cross the pavement.
I could see smile lines.
Brown and green eyes.
I’m older now…
I reread things I said in the past.
Felt shame.
Who I was then was so reactive.
So ready to attack.
Always with my gaurd and assuming the worst.
I’d find the perfect line to buy more time.
But I built us on my fault lines.
It was best to burn it down so I could start again.
Fuck.
I never supported you.
Not really.
Not the way I should have.
I competed with your passion because I never loved myself enough.
So I relied on you.
Wanted you to fill me up.
And you did, most days.
When you didn’t....I sat half empty.
I couldn’t pour for myself.
How awful.
What a burden.
Despite my longing....
I smile knowing now that I don’t need that.
That who I was then is a far cry from now.
That despite feeling the buzz of a busy signal…
I can fill my own cup.
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