It’s my first day without being high, and my second night not purchasing marijuana. I realized that the worst part of my habit was the nightly ritual of picking out a dispensary, walking to it, buying $10 worth of weed, bringing it home, rolling it up, smoking it in the evening, and then zoning out and eating/listening to podcasts before going to bed. That way of “relaxing” in the evening time could fill up my night without leaving me the opportunity to do the productive (slightly challenging, stimulating) things on my to-do list (by design).
Because of this habit, the most intense cravings that I deal with hit in the evening time in the form of ideation about walking to a dispensary and getting my fix. The way to deal with this is by committing to not going to the dispensary, and waiting until 11pm when the last dispensary closes. Once that’s happened, I know that there’s nothing I can do to get weed for the night, and I don’t have to deal with temptation again until the following day.
I can feel my body detoxing (again). This last September binge has lasted a few weeks and has brought my tolerance back up to high levels, so I’m going to have to experience another full detox. The symptoms for me involve cravings (ideation to get a fix), feeling like something is missing, the mental equivalent of the feeling you get after taking off ankle weights - i.e.. feeling mentally lighter, and also lack of energy. The anti-ankle-weight feeling, as I will now call it, is almost like a high in and of itself. I guess that’s just “sobriety” after being high for so long - the clarity that comes as the fog of intoxication starts to clear. I like it.
I have been failing to quit for so long that making proclamations about my future sobriety with any certainty is inherently a lie. I can’t guarantee that I will never smoke again because the only person I am in control of is the me sitting here at this desk writing these words to you - I can’t speak for myself in the future. What I can guarantee is that today, I am not going to buy more weed before the dispensaries close. Tomorrow, I am going to have to make the choice to resist my cravings for another day and abstain.
I really want to overcome this demon. I feel myself getting closer to success. I know the temptation for that comfort blanket, that snooze button is strong - but I’m starting to really fucking hate the version of myself that wants to slack as much as possible and hit the snooze button on life on a daily basis. I want to be financially balanced, energetic, clear-headed, I want to learn what it looks like when I spend my time productively. I want to eat better, work harder, do more. And being up in a cloud holds me back.
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