5am in Dear diary

So its 5 am and my mothers been up screaming at me indirectly for a half hour. Shes just kind of in the kitchen slamming things, and screaming about how tired she is of me. I asked her to watch my son Wednesday so i could go talk to a psychiatrist. That made her really mad. Its been a emotional few months for everybody. We lost my older sister to diabetes in August, and everybodys been in edge. Ive seen somebody off and on since i was 14 always in secret though. Mental health care isnt something that my family believes is needed. I guess my brain doesnt work like other peoples. I cab remember having sucidal thoughts and horrible mood swings my whole life. Its just been so hard to push them away the last few months. All i wanted was to go at least once without my 3 year old to actually be able to talk to somebody without distraction. Nobody knows but my toddler i spend most of my days laying on the couch staring at the wall. Most days i just want to drop the baby off to my sister and go drive off a fucking cliff. I dont work because every time her and my sister swear they’ll help me by watching my kid so i can work they dont want to after a few weeks and i get fired. My moms actually made quit my job on the spot and come home to clean the kitchen. Since i dont work tho im regarded as basically scum im contantly excluded from family activities and holidays. The little money i make when i can babysitting and giving rides all has to go to my son his dad skipped out shortly after he was born i can hardly afford tampons. If i wouldnt leave my son to be the new target by killing myself i wouldve already done it. Somehow hes the golden grandchild even though im the black sheep of thw family but who knows if i wasnt here. I just honestly dont know what to do anymore i want out so bad but its impossible to work with no child care and impossible to save w/e i do get when i have a toddler. I lost the one of the only people who made me feel loved and cared for when my sister died. She was the only one i could talk to i felt like cared or actually would help if she could. I never even got to tell her how much she helped me from 800 miles away just by giving me somebody to talk to when i was stressed. I dont open up much cause i feel like im a burden to people with my problems. Nobody wants to be around a sad person. I doubt myself alot to im constantly telling myself im worthless and dont deserve to be happy. I feel disgusting looking all the time and just dont even want to leave the house most days. I feel like nobody really even knows me because i hide a lot from my friends because i dont want them to feel like i want pidy. I really just need somebody to talk to and something to helo me sleep so i can have a clear head to figure out my life i dont want to be like this. I want to ve better for my son. I really wish it was as easy as just being happy. I pretend to be happy all the time, and on the inside my soul weeps. I wish life was like one of those abc movies from the early 2000s where the families lived eachother and always looked out for eachother and encouraged you.