Things are changing.
This summer turned autumn and I’m still going.
Shifting with the season and making last minute decisions to let my leaves fall.
My mind has been pretty blank.
I’m not held up.
I’m not tied down.
I go out less than I did.
And thoughts of him are fading now.
Thoughts of everything are fading.
I sleep more.
Talk less.
Maybe I should go outside.
But I do the same thing every night.
Almost every night.
I find home in my team.
See all of them feeling the same hard times as me.
Like we’re meant to battle the same things.
Hold each other’s hearts while we’re away.
My breath has been lulling my eyes to come near closing.
Dull and dark and waiting for sleep always.
I sleep and sleep and sleep.
Hours longer than I should need.
Glutton and full and I still close my eyes.
Waiting.
No dreams to find me.
Am I back where I started?
Life is weird.
I’ve been spending time alone.
The people who have left haunt me.
Rejection is a weird thing.
Faces and words fade until all that is left are my own self validations.
In the car.
Walking home.
In crowds of people that don’t know where to look.
I go between craving closeness,
To wanting to push everything away.
This is where people resort to the past.
This is where people climb back in a familiar hole.
Because it’s easy.
Because loneliness is hard.
Rejection is damaging.
New people are a mystery.
Learning ourselves is an effort we aren’t patient enough to put time into.
Not me.
Not this time.
It would be easy to go back.
Tell myself I was sick.
I was unstable.
I was wrong.
But I wasn’t.
The hardest parts are what you have to push through to find yourself.
I know…eventually…I will like who I am again.
Everything will fall in place when that time comes.
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