Eyes of acknowledgment.
My purgatory.
Each smile just teasing the corner of the mouth.
Polite and dry.
I feel like I’m in grade school.
Deep within myself and on the other side of the chain link fence.
Twisting up the swing so I can spin and everything will be a blur.
When it’s over, I am skewed for some time.
But it’s all in fun.
Over and over I go.
Until the sickness rises in my stomach.
My body tenses to fight it off.
Jaws clenched and tongue sour.
The nights have become cooler.
I’m losing grip on the practice little by little.
You let sadness win once and it begins to eat you whole.
You cancel one plan to stay in with closed eyes.
One plan becomes days.
Then weeks.
All you want to do is starve and sleep.
Words feel heavy so you don’t want to speak…
To anyone..
About anything.
You see past lovers loving the way you’ve wanted to.
Count the times you messed up.
Everyone else is fine and you’re just fucked.
Something not good enough.
Ever.
I lack something that other people must have.
Every fresh breath I take equalized.
A monster creeps in.
Asks for a friend.
A companion
We hate being alone.
We hate having no mutual love.
We count out our problems and where we went wrong.
Write them over and over and obsess over the details.
All we can think about are faces and times spent.
Things in the past that can never be had again.
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