This is more for myself than anyone else. You likely won’t get much information unless you’ve already read the previous posts, or just assume things, because I’m at least not planning to go full into detail.
She returned tonight. Sort of, at least. I was asleep, woke up to two missed calls, a voice message and then two text messages saying to ignore the previous things. Apparently she’s lonely, and wanted to know if I was okay.
It’s very confusing how my opinion can change so often about the situation. I’ve gone from “this is shitty but I guess that’s life” to “she’s a bitch” to “maybe it was my just my fault” to “would I ever want to talk to her again?” and whatever else is inbetween.
I suppose I’m lucky in that sense, because it’s now 3:40 AM and she’s still asleep, so I have a few hours to decide how I really feel. Either lucky or cursed, one of the two, not sure yet.
Part of me wants to talk to her again, but purely as friends, friends who will never meet in person again, and are very.. distanced. Just having her there to check up on her once in a while, see if her life is okay. I think that would be good, seeing that she’s okay will stop me having to worry about it and maybe we’ll still enjoy talking if it’s limited.
Part of me wants to tell her how I really feel. How unfair I think she’s treated me, how I now doubt whether she wanted any of this from the very beginning, how I slightly want her to at least feel bad about what she’s done. Although I know I’ll regret that as soon as I see her upset.
Part of me just wants her out of my life for good. I never thought I’d say that, and as much as I wish things had turned out differently, they didn’t. Having her go back and forth between friends, more than friends, or nothing is just confusing and painful. I’d rather be alone and know that I’m alone than to see glimpses of hope get taken away again and again.
In the end.. I don’t think there’s a good answer no matter which decision I make.
Loading comments...