Once again, another post about Hollie. She sent me a voice message last night, asking if I was okay, saying she was being selfish because she was feeling lonely. If I wanted to talk. That she was sorry and that she loves me. I woke up to that voice message, along with two text messages that said “Please ignore this. Sorry.”
I told her I was asleep at the time and that we could talk in the morning because by time I woke up she was asleep too.
She calls.. she says that she only called because “I” asked her to. Not to talk about anything, not to ask me to be friends again or to apologise to me, not for any of these reasons. But because I asked her to. I’m sorry, you’re the one who had blocked me until you decided you were feeling lonely, and then changing your mind again. But it was me who asked you to call? Okay then.
I told her that it didn’t really make sense to me but okay, if she doesn’t want to be friends again then that’s how things are. I just figured she had changed her mind because of the voice message. She said that she’s fine with it if we never talk about anything that happened, and that I continue to just say “im fine” whenever asked how I am, rather than really telling her how I feel.
That’s just.. completely idiotic. I wouldn’t intentionally go out of my way to show her how shitty my life is without her, but I’m also not going to lie if I don’t feel great sometime. There’s no point being “friends” if that’s how you’re going to act. We argued, it was clear it wasn’t going anywhere good.
I tried to leave things in a decent place, I told her that yes, I’m both angry and upset about how she treated me. I’m not going to magically get over that, those feelings are always going to be there. I don’t understand how she could have been so cruel, how things could have been so one-sided throughout everything, how she expects me to just be fine with it.
If she isn’t willing to be honest with eachother, then being friends isn’t going to work, and I’m not going to deal with her randomly showing up and deciding she might want to talk when she’s upset and then going against it again. I have to end all communication now, for both our sakes. I’m sorry about it, I hope she has a good life, but this is how things end. I say goodbye, and that I love her. Something we’ve continued to say, something that atleast I still feel. It might not mean much anymore, but I do still feel it, and I do still hope she has a good life. In return I get “bullshit” and for her to hang up on me and block me on WhatsApp.
So, after all this, she treats me like shit again. And I’ve had enough of it. I’ve held in everything I’ve felt because I didn’t want to upset her, I saw no gain from it, it would just be me telling her how shitty of a person she’s been and her crying about it. I wouldn’t feel any better about it. ..Or would I?
I’ve never been a cruel person. I don’t like upsetting people, in any aspect of things. But I’ve put her feelings ahead of mine so many times, and I’ve never got anything even remotely close to that back. Now that I think back on things, I don’t even know how I considered her a friend in the first place. It was always about her, her feelings, her shows, her activities. If I wanted to do something or talk about something, that was only allowed if she felt like it. And that wasn’t often. Couple times a year.
So I did it. I wrote out a long, cruel message about how I really feel about her. All the times she’s mistreated me. How I tried changing my life for her, despite her saying it wasn’t necessary and she’d be fine with me how I was regardless. How I went far outside my comfort zone in many ways.
The fact that we’ve both fucked up, countless times throughout our interactions, but my intentions were always good and most of hers were questionable at best. Except for this time. I want her to see how she’s treated me and to feel bad about it. I felt good finally saying it all to her. I don’t know whether she’s fully read the message, or whether she’s upset or even cares about it. But it feels good to get it all out at last.
I guess that’s all there is to say, I didn’t think there would ever be a situation in which I’m cruel and I’m okay with it. Still feels odd, still curious what her reaction actually was, but I don’t feel bad like I thought I would. I was finally starting to be happy and get over her, and now that can continue. Hopefully it’ll be the last I ever hear from her.
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