Am not okay...never will l be.. in Expressive blog

For as long as l can remember I always felt l had this void in my life. This empty feeling deep, deep inside of me, that you can’t quite shake no matter how hard l try. It sort of consumes and eats me away. I’ll have great happy moments and just when you think things are fine, surprise! The feeling always come back, it’s just a matter of time. The constant frustration to fill this void, something to ease the pain whats the cause? Nobody knows. Yet l feel the same sad emptiness every single day. It leaves me feeling so empty and down like your missing something somehow, something that’s a big part of me and once l have it, l’ll be happy. I just need that one thing,this missing key and when l get my hands on it, I’ll be complete. I’ve tried everything, friends,education,material stuff, but no matter how hard l try,it never seems to be enough.It sucks.And I know people will tell me that l just need to think more positive or the solution to all of my problems is self love.But its not as simple as that not when you’ve got to the point where you just feel numb. I so badly want to fill my heart with so much happiness that it takes all the sadness away.my childhood was so dark and angry that l always thought, in my adult life things would change. Somehow l would no longer feel the same, and l don’t. Things aren’t as intense anymore but there’s no denying that feeling is always there and it’s something l can’t explain. I just wish It would go away l thought that when l grow up things would be different, l just thought……..that things would be different. You look at other people and they always seem so happy. You know you observe people’s lives whether that be in person, social media, TV and is seems to come to them so naturally. And l know all of that stuff can be misleading, but when you feel so empty, you can’t help but think, why can’t that be me? Cause l want that, l so desperately want that, and you feel like you’re doing the right things. You know you’re hanging out with friends, talking about it,dancing to silly music and in the moment you feel great,youre in a good happy place but sooner or later that happy feeling goes away and the emptiness kicks in again.Do l sound crazy?God,l feel like l sound so crazy.I tend to feel a lot late at night. Sometimes im so overwhelmed with emotion l just cry and l don’t know why,it makes me feel like theres something wrong with me and its hard to admit,so it becomes easier to lie and act like everything is fine. So that’s what l say,I say that im fine. Events from my past still affect my adult life. I lash out of nowhere and l can’t explain why. It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes, cause l can’t escape it, not when it’s happening in your mind and so l beat myself up and beat myself up till l feel so small sometimes l can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone.I can put on an act and pretend to be tough but deep down l never quite feel brave enough.l can feel so small in this big,big world that l feel like all l have are my words to keep my sense of control.Honestly l just want all of this to stop….cause am not strong ..l try telling myself l am..but am not….
to be continued........